Day 106: Hmm... what to say??

So, things are a little calmer now, and, to be perfectly honest, I'm actually quite content with it. Things are quieter, more peaceful, and otherwise just .... less. Which I am totally okay with. I told myself earlier this month that I wanted to make up my Christmas List; but instead of things, I wrote down what I wanted, in terms of myself. What did I expect from myself? What did I want for myself? What did I want to change and why? Since it's me, of course, I had pages upon pages of stuff; but at the end of it, I went back through, and realized that a lot of it was essentially the same thing, but only worded differently or one could stem from another.

That was when I decided to scrap that list and start over. So here it is. My entire list...

Happiness

That was it. I just want to be happy. I know, it seems kind of lame, since everyone wants that in one way or another, but it's not that simple. That one word comes from me breaking down a lot of other things. Such as:

~Getting over R. For good.

~Going back to school

~Getting a better paying job

And in short, just becoming the person I know I can be. It's going to take some work, but I'm hopeful. 

What better time for all these changes except the New Year, right? 

With all of this, I realized, I almost wanted to start this blog over, but with all that you few... whoever's you are have read, that didn't seem fair. Instead, I'm just going to do this: 

--------------------------------------------------------

Hello. My name is Ayla. I'm your typical Pisces. Moody, hypochondriac, sensitive, empathetic, sensual, sexually all over the place, etc. I'm also your typical redhead. Feisty (not short-tempered), vivacious, more than a little nutty, etc. Elementally speaking, I'm all things Water and Fire. Which, of course, leads to more than a few "WTF" moments. 

I have days where I have all the patience and kindness in the world; and then I have some where I'm completely cunt-tastic. I have days where I don't care what anyone says or thinks about me; and then there are some where a stranger looking at me wrong can have me in tears. I try to do the typical mother, nurture, heal thing to those I care about; but can just as quickly turn around and whoop the ever loving hell out of them or anyone who messes with them. 

I am a walking dichotomy. I'm everything that is a woman, but act and think more like a man (traditionally thinking). I try to put the past behind me, but oftentimes find myself dwelling in it, even when I least want to. There are days I just want to scream my lungs out at how unfair things are and how pissed off I am at how things have turned out. 

But you know the really funny part about all this? ... It's me. That's it. I'm sick of apologizing for who I am. If you can't accept me for who I am, that's on you. I'm done trying to be someone I'm not. My personality is as ever-changing and all -encompassing as ... my taste in music. I am Classical, and Swing, and Rock, and Hip-hop and just a little bit of everything! I am who I am, and every day I learn to love that more. 

I have some truly amazing friends, and I'm really beginning to realize how lucky I am to have them. My son, Boogie, is all that I could ask for when it comes to being wonderful. He lights up every day. All of them have helped through so much and have provided more laughter and happiness than anyone else ever did.

So... I guess what all this goes to say is that I am on the journey to find my Ice Cream Truck. Stick around, if you dare, and let's see where this goes. Shall we? As ever, one day at a time.

Day 104: Christmas Catch up

So... two weeks later -- again. What all's happened? Well...

1.) Monkey had his fight and was awesome. Here's the fight, if you're interested. It's kind of a bad edit, though; and yes... That's twenty-seven seconds. We all kinda felt bad for the other guy, because he'd only just started training; unfortunately, there were a lot of fights like that, though. A lot of the fighter's dropped out at the last minute. It was so lame; but still a great time.

2.)Work's been great. We've picked up a little bit. Thankfully. Let's hope this keeps up.

3.) Christmas so far has been great. I've had Boogie all week, which has been absolutely amazing. We've had a lot of fun; and he's loving his presents. It was so funny watching him, because he didn't even know what to do with them at first. He just kinda looked at them and had the best "WTF" face; but then he was off and going, and he's still tearing up paper. I think just because he likes the sound.

4.) Oh yeah. Had another photo shoot Sunday night. Went so well. This is one of them. >>>> The rest are a no-no for on here, but I love them. We tried to base them off of Marilyn Monroe and did the famous one of her with the red background, and I'm really proud of the results.

5.) Also, went to the Annual Christmas Party for the local "talent". That was a blast. Took a lot of great pictures there as well, but this is probably one of my favorites. You can kinda see Monkey in the back. I kept joking with him about how I looked like a naughty June Cleaver cause I had the white top/black skirt combo... with a black underbust corset. Which I am very proud to say I can finally fit into. Which leads me to...

6.) I'm FINALLY back down to the 150 range! I'm aiming for 130-ish, but I'm right on track with my weight loss plan, so I'm thrilled. Major woo-hoo for me!

Hmmm... Can't remember if I'm forgetting anything or not... SO. We're just going to go on the assumption that I remembered everything, I'm going to go tickle Boogie until he can't breathe, and otherwise just enjoy my Christmas.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!


And Happy New Year!

Day 90: Back on Track

Don't get too excited. I meant that as in, I'm getting back on track with my shameless acts. So, here's to number twenty four. Share a struggle you have yet to “just get over.” Names have been changed, for all the good it will do. Bear in mind that I wrote this at 2350 last night, so it's a little rambley-ramble.

They say that unrequited love burns the longest, the brightest, and is the last to fade. It's the desire of the unreachable. That knowledge that we can never have what we want most. It's as if we are a recovering addict from a drug that - oftentimes - we never took.


That's how it is for me. That's how I feel about Frank. As bad as it may sound. He knows, of course, but neither of us is in any position to do anything about it. Nor would we, I think. We've had so many chances. So many opportunities. Yet... yet something always holds us back. There's always been a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or distance. Timing has never worked in our favor.

I have been hopelessly love-struck by this person for - literally - years. It started when we were only kids and I was just starting to notice that boys - particularly this one - were actually rather interesting. It got worse when we were reunited in high school. I almost couldn't believe it was him at first. I hadn't seen him in almost two years, and he'd changed, a lot; but I knew it was him even though he didn't remember me. At all.

I'd follow him around like some simpering puppy, just hoping to see that smile. Even better if were directed at me. It made me nearly breathless whenever he gave me that look. But then he graduated and we seemed to move on with our individual lives. Each of us headed directly toward our own train wrecks. We'd talk on Myspace occasionally, but for the most part, we just sort of drifted away from each other. 

Until my own marriage really started collapsing.

He was the only person I really felt comfortable talking to about anything. He'd gone through his own situation, and he was familiar. He was my Frank. I could tell him anything. Which, naturally, did not sit well with R. He continued to grow increasingly jealous. I can't say as I blame him, honestly; but I just couldn't trust him the way I could Frank.

It's remained that way, since my separation from R. Frank and I have continued to talk; but it's not as "innocent" as it used to be. Without meaning to, he's hurt me - a few times. In all fairness to him, though, I've walked myself into it almost every time. I tend to set myself up for failure where he's concerned.

So I've told myself, and him, several times over that we shouldn't talk anymore. Shouldn't have anything to do with each other - especially considering current circumstances. Yet no matter how many times I say it, I can't keep to it.

No matter how hard I try to fight it, my heart still does a little skip whenever I see I've got a message from him. I still get a little breathless when I think about how I felt to be in his arms- even if it was just a hug. If something that simple, or a smile could make me feel this way - especially for so long - it has to mean something right?

... Most likely, it just means that despite my attempts at seeming to the contrary, I am still, at heart, a hopeless romantic. Emphasis on the "hopeless" bit.

Ah well. C'est la mon vie, non?

I've got so many other things to think of, though. Just have to keep reminding myself to take it a day at a time.

Day 85: Meditation

So, major yay. I found my Druid Oracle!! I keep my Plant and Animal decks together, even though I'm more familiar with my animals. I've had them much longer, so I'm more familiar with them. Anyway, it was slow at work today, so I did a Brighid's Cross Spread, which contrary to how it sounds, goes round in a circle with eight cards at and between each of the directions, and a ninth in the center, at the "heart of the matter". It's supposed to be good for gaining insight to issues of healing, and since that's been one of my biggest problems today, I figured it made the most sense. So, I put it all down in my little journal, and this is what I got. I've shortened it a good bit, for time's sake.

Asked for guidance in my divorce and in a relationship I've been considering getting into once this is all over and finished. Drew mostly animals. Fitting, since that's who I'm most accustomed to. My animals are an extension. Still getting familiar with the plants. 

• Blackbird - Guardian of the gateway
• Chamomile - Rest, Guardianship, Regeneration
•  Poppy (Rev) - Languidness, Excess, Indifference
• Ivy (Rev) - Ambivalence, Tenacity, Support
• Wolf (Rev) - I always dread this card. It was his. 
• Raven - Healing, Initiation, Protection
• Adder - Transformation, healing, life energy
• Earth Dragon - Power, potential, Riches

Still have to draw final card, but I'm almost scared to. Almost everything relates somehow to birth and death. The cycle of leaving one form for another; and I can't help but wonder if it means I actually may need this relationship I've been contemplating. 
Could it be that, in some way, getting into this would help me find myself? My "inner strength" as it were? 
If so, how? I'm not sure I'm ready for another relationship; but it seems as if that's what I'm being guided towards. Or maybe it's what I want to be guided toward? I can't deny that I wouldn't like to be in a relationship again, but am I really ready for one? Honestly? 

Last Card:

• Burdock (Rev) Outcast, scapegoating, blame

So... this comes out of nowhere, but I can see how it makes sense. If I can resolve the blaming issue, everything else might be that much easier. Question is: how? 

I know that, perhaps, I have been blaming R too much for a lot of my issues. Regardless of the fact that a good many of them come from my experience with him, it's on me to make peace with it and accept the fact that not everyone is like him. R is a breed and beast unto himself; and I'm afraid that's how he'll remain. 


Conversely, the burdock could also be pointing out that R is blaming for... Gods know what anymore. It seems, some days, as if he'd blame me if he got a hang nail. He's already accused me of so much, it's ridiculous.


Perhaps it means nothing, coming from someone who can't find her own, but I really do hope that he'll find his peace one day. That both of us will. Though, truthfully, as wretched as it may be, I also look forward to the day he gets his comeuppance. Perhaps it's that desire alone that, in its way, prevents it from happening. 


I try to never wish ill will toward anyone but R is truly a study in the phrase, "pain in the ass". Perhaps, instead, I should just be wishing more for this to reach as peaceful an end as possible. I already do, of course; but I still wish, in my darkest heart for there to be a measure of justice exacted upon him. I don't want him physically harmed, but I still want him hurt. 


Then again... he already is, isn't he? No matter how much he lies to others and himself, I can see that he's hurting. Why else would he be doing these things? Then I think on the fact that he will always be hurting. He will always be a bitter, hateful person - just like his father; and I almost pity him. He's made himself completely awful and will forever be, won't he? I suppose some people would be content in that, but I'm not... 


In all honesty.... I don't even know if I want him to hurt. Not really. I say I do, and I do, but I don't. If that makes any sense. 


I still love him. Regardless of everything. I love him; but even with that, I hate him. Rather, I hate what he's done; and I would be crazy to forgive him for it, but if he were to come to me tomorrow and were genuinely apologetic, I would do exactly that. I wouldn't take him back, mind you; but I'd be willing to forgive him if it meant that this could all just be over and I could just go on with my life. 


I'm so tired of shedding tears for him I'm tired of hoping and wishing that things will change - knowing they won't. I seem to be going in circles where he's concerned. Trust me, the irony here is anything but lost on me. 


Round and round and round I'll go. Will I stop? I'll never know.

------------------------------------------------------------

So yeah. That's that. I'll definitely be spending some more time meditating on this for the next few days or so. I'll very likely be picking up some chamomile tea. Maybe that will help. Sage too, if I can find some at this time of year.


Any other advice for some more focusing herbs/stones? I'm already going to be breaking out the candles.


Hell. May just be time for a full circle. Haven't cast one in a while. There's a full moon this Saturday. Could use it to cast a protection spell for Monkey too. I may not like cheating, but there's no harm in stacking the deck. ;p


In the meantime, I guess I'll just - as always - take it One Day At A Time.

Day 83: Part two. Cause I can.

So, I had a good day at work today. Got caught running a little behind, but was right there with my boss, so it was okay. Did pretty well. Which, I'm ecstatic about since we've been so slow lately.

But enough about that! It's time for the awesome!!!!

So, I got a corset from my Santa, and it was a-MAY-zing!!! I absolutely love it. I looked so smokin' hot. Just saying.


Also, I saw this clip from the Ellen Degeneres show that made me just die laughing. I could hardly breathe, watching this. Ellen's Thoughts on 'The Virgin Diaries' - The Ellen DeGeneres Show

Really. Highlight of my day. Sadly. 

.... Okay. I'm bored now. Monkey needs to hurry up and get off work; I'm craving hang-out time with the guys. ^.^

Day 83: Two weeks later.

So, it's been two weeks, to the day, since I've posted. Thanksgiving has come and gone, and it was lovely, of course. Got to spend a lot of time with Boogie. Had court for the Temporary Relief Order. I now get him either 2 or 4 days a week; because R's attorney (go figure) completely ignored both of us, actually, when we said we didn't like his idea of what would be a suitable visitation arrangement. Where we should be having equal time, R automatically gets more. Needless to say, I'm not thrilled. I'm hoping R will eventually work with me on setting up a better plan, because, as it is, this one sucks. I have Boogie on Tues, Thurs, and alternate weekends. The back and forth is not healthy for him, but - surprise, surprise - R doesn't care. He's just going to go by whatever works best for him.

The mother of the asshole should have swallowed, that's all I'm saying.

Anyway, I managed to get my answer - and the counter-claim - to his attorney; which, for those wondering, means that the divorce won't be defaulting against me - as I'm sure R was hoping/planning that it would - and I won't be losing Eric. I just have to get it filed now. I'll have to find a day here soon when I can. Oy.

Have I mentioned how much I hate not having a car?

Let's see... what else.... Oh. Christmas shopping is done now. I only bought stuff for my soldiers this year; well, and Eric, of course. Everyone else, I love you, but there's a reason I'm not asking for presents from anyone.

I'm a little worried about a friend of mine who - quite honestly - is going way overboard with the Christmas presents for a girl he's only been dating for about three months. Granted, he's only doing it because she is, but still. Between the both of them, they'll probably rack up about $2k! I mean, really? I know he's head over heels for this girl, but ... ugh. I've already told him my opinion about her being a Class A Cling-On, but he's determined. So, ah well. Best of luck to them.

In other news, Monkey has his first MMA fight coming up. That's going to be awesome to watch. I can't wait. He's really excited about it; and so am I, but I'm also really nervous. I despise violence. So I'm a little worried about how I'll react if he starts bleeding. Sad, I know, but true.

Anyway, I have to finish getting ready for that thing called a job now. Adios my lovelies.

Remember. One day at a time.

Day 69(giggle): Catch up/ Theme Day

This past week has been just this side of too interesting. Had court Wednesday morning for the Temporary Custody hearing. Went well, considering. I get to see Boogie more often, and R seems to finally have come to his senses. "Seems" being the key word there. He's having his lawyer draw up new, amended paperwork. Without the lies about adultery, etc. Like I told him last night, though. That paperwork better be in my hand by Tuesday, or I'll be going to the courts Wednesday morning to file my counterclaim and all the Discovery requests that would prove him guilty of perjury. I'm not giving him another chance to screw me over.

On top of that, I've been sick as a dog since yesterday afternoon. Was running a fever of - at its highest - 103.6 that friggin sucked. Luckily, it broke after a couple hours, though. So I'm still a little queasy, but it's tolerable. Hoping I'll be better in time for work this afternoon. I had to call in to Disney last night, and Leela's this morning. I'm considering just popping a Day-quil and crossing my fingers.

On the plus side, Monkey and I were joking the other day, and have come up with a name for my bookstore that I'm going to open one day. "Vixie's Parchments and Pastries" Bookstore / International Pastry shop. It's going to be awesome. My two favorite things in the world - combined! We're going to have brown, recycled boxes, and emerald ribbons to wrap around them for the people carrying out the pastries; and emerald recyclable bags with brown needle work with the store name on it to carry out the books. And we'll mix it up for the holidays so it's all coordinating colors (i.e. Christmas = red/green; Halloween = black/orange; etc). Needless to say, I'm a little excited.

----------------------------------------------------------

As for theme day!!! Here's to Number 20 on my Shameless List. Talk about Sex. It's just a poem I wrote one day at work while I was bored; but I still love it. Hope you do too.

Oblivious

My body burns for yours,
My breath comes faster - shallower.
My breasts grow heavy,
My skin feels too tight.

I can feel myself moistening for you.
My thoughts are fragmented;
But they have one thing in common:
I want to throw you down, right here, and fuck you.

It's all I can do not to touch myself.
I wouldn't even care if anyone saw.
I want you here. now.
Take me. Fuck me. Make me beg.

I smile as I think of what you'd do.
The ways I'd ravage your body.
But then, I quietly sign the delivery sheet you've brought in,
And wave goodbye as you leave. Completely Oblivious.



Have a great weekend, my Darlings; and remember to take it One Day at a Time. 

Day 63: Emotional Toll

Okay. Time for Shameless act #21. Express a strong feeling. I thought this would be a relatively funny one to do, but with all the thinking I've been doing lately, it's going to be a little serious.

I'm starting to think I should take Ms. Diandra's advice and perform an emotional separation ritual. No matter how much I try to distance myself from R, I always see or hear something that reminds me of us; or I'll think of him being with another woman (usually either the Cat or, I suppose she calls herself the "Raven") and I just get this stab of jealousy that, believe me, I wish I didn't feel. Just the thought, though, of another woman, specifically either of them touching Boogie... and the only thing I can think of is removing their hands; as well as a slew of other vicious bodily harm. Bad Karma, I know; but I can't help it.

Which brings me to #14. Hold yourself accountable — not guilty — for something crappy you did to someone else.

I have no excuse other then my youth and ignorance for some of the things I said and did to the Cat. I can't ask forgiveness, because it's my shame to carry. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing, but as I go through all of this, I realize how horribly wrong I was. For all of it. Not that I expect anything to come out of my saying this; but at least I have.

---------------------------------------------------

Unrelated note. Poor Boogie's got such a bad cough; but it's the same kind he had around this time last year. Had to go and get him some medicine this morning, since the stuff R brought over, is only good for kids over four. It literally says on the box, "Under 4 - Do not use". So I bought him some stuff that will work for his age. It seems to be, so far.

Ticked me off, though, that R dropped him off with no socks on. Again. It's cold. He has a cough. And you forget to put socks on his feet. Really? At least he remembered to put a jacket on Boo this time. He hasn't the past two weeks. Ugh.

But I don't want this to turn into one of those "He's a crap parent" things; because, in all honesty, he's not. R is a good father, when he isn't being an utter dousche. Sadly, though, that's been less and less often lately.

Oh well. Not a lot I can do about that, sadly. Just going to have to - as always - breathe and take things One Day At a Time.

Day 62: Nothing to offer

So, I actually had a good day at work today. Just shipment day, which I love. I actually prefer being in the back doing inventory versus being out front with the customers. Only because I feel like such a creeper. I work in the Disney Store, which - obviously - is geared toward children, so I always feel like a complete pedo when I'm trying to be "magical".

This morning started off pretty interesting too, considering I went to get in the shower, and found a huge spider bite on my boob. I'd been wondering why I was sore, but I didn't think of anything of it until I looked down, and "Holy Jesus!" There's a massive purple lump on the side. So I lanced it, got it cleaned up, and now it's only tender to the touch and a funky pink color.

All of this, though, was kind of shadowed by my thinking process today; because, of course, I can't go one day without just mentally beating myself.

Two men delivered the shipment we got into work today. An older guy named Joe who seemed pretty nice, and a younger, so far unknown guy who was pretty cute. I liked his glasses, and he had a nice ass. Didn't really talk to him, though. I'm still awkward when it comes to talking to guys once they have my attention. One of the managers kind of picked on me about it. Oh well.

Back to what I was saying, though. This, and my conversation with a couple other friends got me thinking. I really don't have anything to offer anyone. Relationship-wise. Not that I even really need to be thinking about another one right now, obviously; but even after. What then? Bear with me a  moment while I explain my thinking here.

1. I'm a soon to be 20 year old divorcee. 
2. I have a two year old son. 
3. I have no "real" skills; aside from my "Devious" charm, my moderate understanding of German, and the sheer determination that comes from being a redhead.
4. I live with my friggin parents because, at the moment, I'm too broke to afford my own place. 
5. I no longer have any form of transportation. Though I'm looking around for one. 
6. I'm ridiculously insecure with how I look, though I put up a good front around most people. 
7. I'm not Christian. I'm Pagan. I only mention this because I do, after all, live in the Bible belt, and that's kind of a deal breaker for a lot of people here. 
8. I'm Bisexual. As in, I'll be checking out the girls too. Again, only mentioning because of the Bible Belt thing. 
9. I have a lot of debt, at the moment. From Hospital bills, mostly; but it's still a pain in the ass. 
10. I have enough emotional baggage to fill a yard full of train cars. 

So, in short, I'm just a hot frigging mess. I honestly don't have anything to offer anyone right now; and although it needs to be the furthest thing from my mind - what I can give to someone else - it still bothers me, because, it's like... it's not just that I don't have anything to offer anyone else, it's that I don't even have anything to offer to myself.

Granted, I'm working on changing all that; but it's still.... It just seems like I'm always knocked back to square one. I guess, though, at the end of the day; all that matters is that I just keep going.

One day at a time. 

Day 61: I suck at this

So, of course, the day after I promise to be on here to post at least my shameless acts, everything goes crazy. Granted, I needed the break anyway, since I was starting to feel like the chick in the car commercial ("That's not a real puppy"), but still.

So, I've had a couple epiphanies here in the past few days regarding this whole divorce thing. I know ya'll are all probably sick to death of hearing about it, but this is pretty much the only way I can get it out anymore.

1. Despite everything he's saying, I don't think R's doing this for Boogie anymore. He can say he is until he's blue in the face, but if that were true, he wouldn't have lied the way he did on the paperwork, nor would he have included what he did. He's made this personal. Why, I don't know. I still don't know what it is that I could possibly have done to him to make him hate me so much; but, sadly, there's still a part of me that wishes I knew just so I could "fix" things. I know there's no chance of that happening, but I still have to hold out whatever hope I can. It's just kind of part of my DNA at this point.

2. I'm SOOOO not ready for this. I thought I would be, but I'm not. I don't have the money for an attorney, as R well knows. Part of me still doesn't even want this damn divorce. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm just going in circles at this point, and I RREEEEEAAAAALLLLLLLYYY freaking hate it. I know what I could do, but I don't want this divorce to get any uglier than R's already made it, and I don't want to give him any reason to accuse me of any more bull than he already has.

I just keep hoping (as immature as this is going to sound) that he's going to wake up and realize that what he's doing is wrong.... Then again, I spent practically our entire relationship doing just that, so I don't suppose it's going to change now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other news, I'm going to go a little out of order, and tell ya'll about my #6 Shameless Act. "Act “girly” or “manly” in a way you’d normally avoid."

I didn't do it on purpose, since it happened before Halloween, even, but it's probably the girliest moment I've ever had. Definitely not my shining moment of bravado.

Sasquatch, Scrappy, Monkey, and Biscuit invited me to go to a Haunted House with them and a few other friends the Friday before Halloween. I hadn't been to one in a few years, so I was all for it. We got there, and realized that it was actually split into two separate sections. The main Horror section, which was pretty cool. Scary, definitely, but not too bad. Though I'll admit, I jumped sky high when the required chain saw guy came at me, and I almost knocked down one of the guys that came with us.

Then there was the other section.... "Dark Matter". 3D Paint - manageable. Blacklights - annoying, but tolerable. .... And clowns. ... Fucking. Clowns. Which I don't care for on a normal day. But. Me being me, I just had to try. Worst. Idea. EVER.

My 3D glasses kept slipping off, before we even got inside, so I just left them off after the first 2 or 3 minutes. The entrance wasn't too bad, just a guy jumping out with some glowy glasses. Then there was the rotating tunnel that you have to walk through that typically throws you completely off balance. It wasn't too bad, but Monkey was holding onto me so tightly, and I was in the lead, that he kept pulling me into the rails.

Then came the part that REALLY messed me up. As soon as the first clown came out, I screamed, but I figured I'd be okay. NOT. Let me just sideline and explain something real quick. My worst fears were definitely working against me on this one. I hate being in the dark in new places, I hate when things pop out at me, and I hate loud noises (even balloons make me flinch). 

Yes, I know, some of you are thinking exactly this ~~~> 

Just bear with me, please. 

So we get around the next corner, I'm clinging to Monkey like a fresh pair of panties, trying to hide my face in his jacket, and, the next clown came out to blow a freaking air horn just behind my head. The last one I remember seeing was the one sitting on top of the wall, that came down and hit it. I was the only one that noticed him, so everyone was pushing me forward and couldn't understand why I wouldn't move until he did. I tried running past, but he swung as soon as I passed, and I ran into a wall, which had another clown next to it, so I fell back from there, and into another.

Long story short, I ended up having a full-scale panic attack before I could get out of there. Monkey and Biscuit practically had to carry me out. The last things I remember in that place was this woman who popped up out of nowhere while I'm already freaking out, and blowing another air horn in my face. That's where I lost it the hardest. I hit the ground, screaming my lungs out, and I remember just crying and repeating, "Make it stop!"

When the guys finally managed to get me outside, I could hardly breathe, and they had to call an EMT over to look at me to make sure I'd be okay. I couldn't stop shaking for about 10 minutes, and I felt like utter dog shit for freaking out that bad. I never get that afraid of anything, but that place was just a sensory overload of the worst kind. Everyone was trying to get me to calm down after, but I wouldn't have it. I felt like such an idiot for going into something like that, and I'm pretty sure it'll be a few more years before I set foot in another Haunted House again.

Anyway, time to get to #4. Waste time. I've been jonesing for some sailor moon lately so I'm going to catch up a little bit before I go to bed.

So, as always, take a deep breath. Focus; and just take it one day at a time.

Day 55: Shameless #1

Okay, let me just start by pointing out something I thought of and wrote down in my other journal today. My life, at this point, is a pretty open book. I don't hide anything, because I don't have to. As in, I don't have anything to hide. If you can't find it on here or any of the other sites I partake in, than chances are you could just ask me; and if you still haven't found the answer you're looking for there, it's because it doesn't exist. This applies to practically everything. That's not to say that there aren't things I keep to myself, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm hiding them either, because, chances are, at least one other person knows.

That being said, I'm going to get on to the interesting part in this. My shameless act for the day:  Declare your love for an uncool TV show. Now, I don't necessarily find this fair, simply because it is entirely possible that my definition for cool and yours are probably very different. As in this case. I know that now, a lot of people would find it uncool, but back in the day, this show was the shit. At least to me and my best friend at the time. We'd rush home every day from elementary school just to watch it. (Yes, it's that old.) I remember it was one of the first animes to reach the US, and definitely one of the first "girly" series that I remember (any idea yet?). I wasn't a huge fan of the main heroine, since even at the time, she was a little ditzy for me, but I was pretty devoted to a couple of her teammates (I'm sure you've got an idea by now).

Yep, my "uncool" TV show, even though I STILL find it awesome, is none other than {{ cue cheesy drumroll }}

That's right, folks. Sailor Moon. I'm still going through and watching all the episodes again. I'm already on episode 56, but I've been working on it for a while. Speaking of, Monkey just got here and I'm going to try and taint him with it. See if I can't convert him. ;p

One episode, one shameless act, one convert, one day at a time.

Day 54: Hell Hath No Fury

So I knew R was a dirty, filthy, back-stabbing, lying scumbag, but he's gone to a new low. Got the paperwork from his lawyer yesterday, and it's nothing but a pack of lies. He says we were together until almost September of this year. Which, as everyone knows, is completely ridiculous. His own family could testify to that. He also cites "adultery" as one of the reasons for the divorce. I'm not even going to waste my breath on that one. I've said it before.

I don't know what it is that he's thinking, but as I've told him a hundred times over: I don't want anything from him. Not his money (in either child support or alimony), not the stupid car, NO-THING. The only thing I want out of this divorce is joint custody of Boogie. I don't know what part of that is posing such a complication for his understanding; but it's really starting to piss me off. If his lawyer (and I know it's weird to say this) hadn't seemed like such a .... sensible man, yesterday, I'd be half tempted to send back the papers with a great, big, FUCK YOU written across the front, and corrections made throughout them. 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a side note, I'm going to take a leaf out of Kat o' Nine Tales and do this 30 Posts thing. Figure it will give me a definite reason to be on more often. I've been a little negligent. So here's the list in it's entirety, and I guess we'll just go through every day and see what happens. I'll admit now, it's a little funnier to read her commentary, but considering the subject in this case (me! ... Oh dear god), I'm sure it'll still be rather ridonkulous. Yes, you read that right. My word. Get used to it.

1. Declare your love for an uncool TV show.
2. Look a fool. ~I should get a pay check for this.
3. Eat. Whatever you feel like eating.  ~ I usually do anyway.
4. Waste time. ~When don't I?
5. Declare your love for an uncool movie. 
6. Act “girly” or “manly” in a way you’d normally avoid. ~I'm with Kat on this one. I'm a "girly tomboy" so there isn't much I won't do.
7. Share your efforts at something you don't think you do well. 
8. Sweat.
9. Expose something dirty or nasty you'd normally keep hidden.  ~Damn, and here I've already talked about my marriage.
10. Declare your love for an uncool band. 
11. Dress to show some skin. ~Now this I'm a natural at.
12. Share about a health struggle.
13. Speak up about something crap that was done to you. ~See previous marriage comment.
14. Hold yourself accountable — not guilty — for something crappy you did to someone else.
15. Dress, walk, and act like you know you’re all that. ~Time to break out the heels. And garter belt... hehehe
16. Spend money on a non-essential or share a financial struggle.   ~I'm a waitress for a living. Life is a financial struggle.
17. Discuss the reality of your work situation.
18. Brag.
19. Share details about a bodily function or fluid.
20. Talk about sex. ~That would entail that I'm actually getting any. I sense a smut coming.
21. Express a strong feeling ~Again, gotta agree with Kat. I'm Irish; and German; and was raised in a Latino/ Jewish community. It's hard to find me NOT having a strong feeling.
22. Set a boundary.
23. Air one of your secrets.
24. Share a struggle you have yet to “just get over.”
25. Ask for help.  ~This one might grain a little. I tend to avoid these at all costs.
26. Make a mistake.  ~ I've mentioned my marriage, right?
27. Express a dissenting opinion.
28. Discuss a failure.
29. Look a fool.
30. Name 3 more ways you can live shamelessly and commit to doing them.

So now we just sit back and wait, I suppose; and I'll start on these tomorrow. Promise. Just another part of taking things One Day at a Time.


Song for the day: Jasmine Tabatabai - Let Yourself Go Wild

Day 50: writing at work

So, I got bored at work today and started writing; this is part of the result. It's just a letter to R, if he's even still reading this any more. If he is, it'd would most likely on be for ammunition in our divorce. So maybe this will be plenty enough for him.

R,

I stood by when you cheated on me, even though, of course, it was "only four times". I stayed with you when you told me that not only had you cheated, oh no, you'd also been gracious enough to not wear a condom, so you were no expecting your first son. I stayed with you despite everyone - our friends, our families, our teachers - telling me that I should leave you.

I continued to love you throughout the custody issues and before them. I loved you even when I was being called every name in the book for doing so. I kept my faith in you when I had absolutely no reason to.

I believed you every time you lied to me; and even believed you when you apologized for doing so. I've lost count of the times you swore you would never do "x" again. Though, by now, I've forgotten what all those "x"s were. It seemed as if it was something else - not new - every week.

I supported you, loved you, and defended you in the months when I was pregnant and the only one of us working.

I encouraged you every step of the way and only ever asked for you to just love me and care for me as any husband should for his wife.

I am truly sorry for ever resenting you for all the times I was punished for something you did, such as your Playstation. How could I hold it against you that you wouldn't even come near me while I was giving birth to our son until after he was born? How can I blame you for leaving me to plan almost our entire wedding while I was still pregnant, so soon after the loss of our friend? I'm sorry I ever expected you to help me with anything. I'm sorry I asked you to be a man for your family.

I apologize for getting upset when your family talked trash about me, or disrespected us. I'm sorry I ever expected you to stand up for me after the Cat and her mother assaulted me; how could I not expect you to be so kind as to hug them right after that incident?

How could I ever have been so naive as to think that you should speak to me honestly about how much money you were making at work. After all, that's for only you to know, right?

Why on earth should I have hoped that you ever support me in something as inconsequential as my life long dream to join the military; especially after I was selfish enough to give up going to school so I could be with you and our family?

I'm sorry if I ever caused you any distress by being a true and loyal wife, or by ever daring to ask who it was that you were texting so late at night; even after I'd caught you lying about it. That's only natural, right? I'm also sorry that I was there to comfort you when you didn't want to go to your father's house because you were afraid he'd beat you; and at the hospital with you to help calm you and drive you home when you crushed your finger at work, those few short weeks ago.

Really, I'm sorry for thinking that after nearly four years of nothing but unlimited love, support, and patience that you would ever try to change. That you would ever see just what road you are headed down. How could I ever have thought that you would support me? How could I ever have believed that you would ever become anything than the vile, loathsome, disgusting, despicable, putrid example of spite and hate that you were raised around; and will subsequently raise our son around. Congratulations, I imagine your father must be simply ecstatic to see you've followed so closely in his footsteps. The only difference being that your blow didn't actually land. I suppose I should be grateful, at least, for that.

I'm sorry I was ever so foolish as to think that you could be my happy ending. How unforgivable rude and ungrateful of me.

Ever, as always, your dutiful and devoted wife,
A.

Day 50: Perhaps a little Depressing

How do you excuse yourself for falling in love with someone? Especially when that person turns around and stabs you in the back, betrays you, and drives you absolutely mad? How do you move on from the hate? How do you clear yourself of that pain, anger, and poison that will fill your body and soul if you give it half a chance?

I am of the full belief that we should never truly hate anyone, but with everything my ex has done and continues to do, I find it gradually more difficult to stave off the emotion.

I mentioned about my son being home yesterday, and this morning, I requested that I be allowed to see my son at least once more this week; unfortunately, though, he'll have to "discuss it" with his lawyer. In other words, I probably won't be able to see Boogie. So now I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my very breast and my body torn asunder, for I cannot even fathom when next I'll see my own son.

No, I don't think I'll ever fall in love again. Honestly, I don't want to. I've been weakened - yet not defeated - by one who swore to love, protect, and strengthen me enough as it is. I will never allow myself that particular vulnerability again; and truly, I hope one day that he is able to find such a person as to bestow the same kindnesses upon him that he has been so gracious as to place upon me.

For now, I suppose, I'll just have to keep it in my head to breathe, relax, and take things one day at a time. As ever.

Day 48: Restless

So, last night, I just could not sleep, so I started watching The Tudors. It's an amazing show, honestly, and serves a wonderful purpose of reminding me just how strong women are truly capable of being. Anyway, it got me to thinking, and, of course, I had to write it down, just to get it out of my head; so this is what came of it, and you'll have to forgive the tone of the thing:

Were I ever to be accused and subsequently found guilty of anything, it will be in that I love my children too greatly; for as surely as Boogie is the child of my body, so too is Bear the child of my heart. I love them both as equally as the other, and will provide my love and support to that measure. 

As quickly as any woman to call herself a mother, I would give my all if it meant the betterment of my children's lives. My life is theirs, as it should be. So I foolishly allowed myself to become convinced by the man I loved that I was no longer needed; that I was useless, worthless; that my children would be better off were I no longer to be a hindrance in their lives.

I did not "abandon" my son. I left him in the capable hands of those that I knew would love him - or so I believed at the time - better than I could. I know now how mistaken I was, and I can claim no suitable excuse for my actions save that of a mother's distress and heartbreak over the sudden loss and dissolution of something so precious as her family. Something I gave my entire being to try and preserve until I feared the loss of myself as a person.

Despite what R and a handful of others may believe, I was never unfaithful to him. I sought the company of others in the weeks leading up to our separation, but never int he physical sense. I loved R with everything that I was; and to this day, I love him the way that any woman must love the father of her child; but I have grown to love someone else even more: myself. So, although I wish with all my heart that things could have turned out differently, for the sake of our children, I also realize that until he seeks out the help he truly needs to settle the pain and anger inside of him that life had caused, there can be no hope for the love to ever return; nor, I think, should it.

The wrongs we have done to each other, ourselves, and most critically: the boys, are simply too insurmountable. Though I'd like to believe the contrary, I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him; and I can say with almost one hundred percent certainty that he will never forgive me. He's too much like his father in that way. I truly pray that we will one day find a way to make peace with the demons with which we have plagued each other, and at the very least, figure out a way to be able to communicate in a civil manner. Despite everything he's come to believe to the contrary, I am not interested in being "enemies". Nor am I naive enough to believe that we will ever again be so much as friends. I simply do not want my boys to grow up in the way that he did. I pity Bear, for he already will; unless R is fool enough - again - to return to the Cat. Though the though of that happening - again - sickens me.

I suppose that is all I can say on the matter for now. At this point, it is just a matter of taking things, as ever, one day at a time.

Day 46: Court

Went to court today to get the restraining order against R finalized. Sadly, his lawyer never showed up, so we literally spent all day in court, to no avail. We have to go back next Wednesday... for the same thing. Friggin' yay. The only bright point was that the judge ordered for R to bring Boogie by this Saturday. So, for the first time in almost two weeks, I'll finally get to see him. I suppose I should be grateful for the small blessing. Still...

It's definitely one of those days that I wish I were already twenty one. I could totally go for a shot of.... something.






 

I find myself further and further indebted to Monkey these days. He's been such a relief to me lately. No matter how deep a funk I get into, he always manages to pull me out of it, somehow. Last night, for example, I was pretty bad off, and he had me laughing in less than ten minutes. I've yet to figure out how he manages it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the other side of things.... I was headed home from work Sunday night (technically Monday morning, since it was freaking one in the morning) and it decided to finally die on me... a mile from town. The fuel pump went out, I think; but I'm not sure. It overheated and the battery died, for sure. So, of course, I replaced the battery. Lot of good it did, considering the fact that the battery didn't help (because of aforementioned fuel pump) and before I could get someone to help me tow it home, it was stolen. Or towed by the city. I'm still not sure of which. I have to call around - again - to see if there's any chance that it wasn't processed when I called the other day. I'm not even so upset about losing the car as I am about losing Boogie's car seat.

I seriously wish I knew where my Oracle was.  I could definitely use some advice right now...

Seriously. Can I not just have one thing go right?

Thanks go to Cher for helping me remember to take it one day at a time.

Day 42 Catch up

So, it seems that once again, I'm having to catch up with everything that's happened in the past few days. Or, in this case, almost a week.

In my last post, I had Boogie; but that Sunday, I made the mistake of allowing R to come over for a visit; unfortunately, I let my guard down, and R ran off with Boogie. He literally ran out the door, and bolted to the car when he realized I was behind him. He nearly dropped poor Boogie in the process, too, which scared the mess out of me. On top of that, when I tried to stop him from putting Boo in the car, he swung at me, so naturally, I backed off. The worst part, of all that, though, was that he didn't even allow me to say goodbye or anything. Not that I'd expect him to, but still.

I'm trying to be strong through all this. I really am; but it gets harder every day that I don't see my baby. I want him home so badly!! I miss hearing his laugh, and telling him I love him. I miss holding him at night while we slept. I miss waking up with him and just getting to lay there and cuddle. I miss my baby! He needs me, and I can't even be there for him!

I finally managed to get a restraining order against R, but I'm sure he'll just use it as an excuse to keep me away from Boogie until the court orders him to do otherwise; and there's nothing I can do about it. Not without starting something that I really don't want to put Boogie through. What he's been through already is bad enough.

So now, it's just a matter of getting this divorce done and over with. Until then, all I can do is hurry up and wait. So I'm kinda forced to just take things one day at a time.

Day 34: For posterity's sake

Okay, so just so it's on record, and fresh on my memory. Here's what's happened in the past two days.

Yesterday, I agreed to meet R at Latimer Park in Horn Lake to visit with Boogie. We walked around for a little while, but then worked our way to my car where I attempted to put Boogie in his carseat. R stood in front of the door and refused to move, despite my repeated requests for him to "please move". Finally, I had to tell him that I would call local authorities if he didn't, and in response to his condescending, "They won't get involved," I simply replied that they would still make him move away from the car so Boo and I could get in. He finally moved, and we spent some time talking, but he still insisted on repeating the same useless rhetoric of how I'm an unfit mother, I need help, etc. What he refuses to believe is that I'm already getting help from a local group; but because he doesn't have a receipt, it doesn't count. So, in order to calm him down, I told him that I would allow him to pic Boogie up tonight at 1930.

However, once I got home, I started thinking, and I realized that because of everything he's done: all the broken promises, the lies, the half-truths, etc. I couldn't trust him to permanently deprive me of my visitation with Boogie if I let him retrieve custody. So, I went all around town today trying to figure out what I could do, but there's nothing really permanent that I could safely do without a lawyer. So, instead, I thought I would at least do what I could; and that's where This, comes in.

I made it as fair as I could. I pulled directly from some actual legal paperwork I found, and I tweaked it to work for our situation. It's completely unbiased. I even offered to let him discuss it with me to see if there were any parts he didn't like that we could work out a compromise on. He still refused. He instead opted to throw in my face the fact that I left with the intent to kill myself. What he still is having trouble comprehending, it seems, is that I didn't actually even so much as try. My friend and his dad talked me out of that, thankfully. He continued to throw in my face the supposed "fact" that I cheated on him, and he started spouting off all this bogus evidence he supposedly has. I'm honestly not worried about it. If there was anything to worry about, he would have utilized it already.

What scared me, though, was his response at one point, when he stated he'd say I cheated, and I told him I could prove he did too; and I quote, "Great. So he can be taken from both of us. Fine. Just so long as he's away from you." ... Really? You'd rather he lose BOTH of us? And you call me "sick"?

But despite everything he says about me... it doesn't hurt anymore. He can't hurt me anymore. I'm not going to give him that power.

What hurts is the knowledge that he isn't even willing to reach a compromise. He won't agree to anything until the court orders him to do "x"; and that scares me more than anything. It seems to me as if he's not even concerned about Boogie anymore so much as retaining as much control as possible; but that isn't going to help this situation at all.

This isn't so simple a matter of one person keeping control over the other. I just want my son to be cared for. Properly. Which is why I'm going to counseling, and I think R should. His pattern of abusive behavior is terrifying to me; and I won't have Eric around that. Not if I can help it; but I'm not going to keep them completely apart. I just don't have it in me to do that. Not after the way I grew up.

Ah well. Deep breath. Focus. And always remember to take it one day at a time.

Day 32: Resilience

Okay, So today's been so much up and down...

R decided to be a jerk. Again. Big surprise there, right? He's been making all these promises to let me see Boogie, (which, by the way, he broke his promise Sunday, so I didn't get to see the boys) and pretty much earn my right to see him overnight again; but it's like no matter how hard I try, it's still not enough. I've got two different jobs lining up, I'm in counseling, I'm at the shelter now and I'm still working out etc, so I've got the outlets for days like this where he decides to just... frustrate me all to hell. I'm getting better. Yet, for some reason, I still can't see Boogie. R continues to choose to believe that I'm only lying to him and "playing games" when he is the one constantly changing the rules and using my own son against me. I don't know what else to do.

I just feel so helpless in all of this. I'm doing what I can, and I've got several game plans in place that all depend solely on him and how he reacts; but I still wish I just had some kind of guarantee that things were going to be better. I know, I know. I just have to hold on and be strong, but would it be so much to ask for a little help now and then?

So, again for today, R gets a special little song all to himself.
Thank you, Godsmack.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note. One of my ups was getting THESE:



Had a total fat kid moment over those. I know I shouldn't have, but there are some times (like any time I speak with fraggin Jerk face) that only something "deep fried and smothered in chocolate" will suffice. And the Raspberry coffee wasn't bad either. A little bitter, but not bad.

Monkey stopped by work today to cheer me up. He's one of the few people I can stand to be around anymore for any real length of time. Is that bad? Probably. I honestly don't care.

And..... Yeah. Can't think of what else to write, so... here's just a funny that makes me giggle every time I see it.

Day 28

So I didn't really feel like posting today, but since I haven't in the past few days, I figured I should at least post something. So here's today's oh-so-lovely events so far.

Went to the shelter this morning to help clean. We needed an extra body, and since somebody bailed on me, I invited R to go. He showed up shortly before we finished, so we went to lunch after to discuss visit stuff for Boogie. Then, he had the nerve to ask me to wait until he'd left with the boys (who, at the time, were home with my family so they could see them for the first time in weeks) before I went home because he had to hurry and leave. He didn't want to upset the boys by having them see me, and then have to leave so soon after.

Now, I know that probably should make sense, but I haven't seen Bear in a few weeks now, and I've seen Boogie once this week - and that did not go well. So, needless to say, I had to catch myself from slapping him when he asked that. I hate that he's like this. I hate this whole situation. I hate him!



I'm trying to be strong through all this, but it's so frigging impossible sometimes. I don't really have anyone I can talk to that really understands; and I hate "burdening" people with my shit anyway, so even those who would understand probably won't hear from me either.

But I'm fucking determined to get over this shit, over his shit, and just plain over him. Thank god for sites like this that are good for a laugh, if nothing else. It's always good to know you aren't the only jaded cunt in the world. (Yes. I said the "c-word". Not the first or last time, I assure you.) And, of course, I've got my "Fuck you" playlist I'm working on.

So, basically, I'm going to do the whole angsty thing for a while. If for no other reason than to be actually be a little selfish. Hell, I'm accused of it all the time, why not actually do it for a change, right? 

So, R. Just for today, this is just for you. 

Day 20: Outlets.

So I had a pretty decent day today. I woke up pretty early, thanks to my sis, actually went for a run like I've been meaning to, worked out (gotta keep up with these ladies), and finally made it to a local Animal Shelter to volunteer. This won't turn into a weight loss thing or a PSA monster, I promise. I'm just sharing my achievements. There are so many animals there that need to be adopted. The dogs were great. They're all really sweet and so friendly. The cats were pretty awesome too. Sadly, there are over 50 in that one shelter and I'd say about 30 of them are kittens. The poor babies just need homes so badly.

The shelter needs more volunteers, badly. The average age of the employees is, if I remember correctly, in the sixties. So I'm hoping to gather some more people to go with me.

On top of that, this shelter isn't included in any spay/neuter programs.  They don't have the money to start one, and they can't get the grant money for it until they do. Vicious cycle. So... more plans in the works. For the shelter, AND for work. Challenge. Accepted.

So I suppose, for now, I've finally found my outlets for stress and what not. Needless to say, I'm pretty excited. I get to make a difference, and simultaneously prevent the unnecessary, premature demise of a particular resident d-bag - one day at a time. ~.^

PSA WARNING!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. If you are interested in adopting from a shelter, which I highly suggest, be sure to seek out your local shelter. A vast majority of animals that end up in shelters are euthanized, often before they've had a genuine chance of life. There are multiple sites dedicated to helping our furry companions find loving homes. I happen to be a fan of www.petfinder.com and www.adoptapet.com

Also, please remember to spay and neuter your animals. That, in itself, solves a lot of problems.

Day 15. Nothing to say.

I feel so numb right now. I got to see Eric tonight, so you'd think I'd be happy but I literally feel like I'm going to throw up.

Everything was okay until R decided he wanted to talk. He apologized for being an asshole (see previous entry), but I don't know how much of that to believe. He promised he'd try to start trusting me and listening to me; but I honestly can't believe that.

A little background here. He's never trusted me. In anything. Not even necessarily because I did anything, but just... because. Don't get me wrong. I had my moments. I'm not perfect. I'll never claim to be. He's just not a trusting person, by nature. Neither am I, really, but where he never trusts, I start off a little too trusting and then just wait for "you" to screw up. That particular tendency has only been expounded upon because of R's habit of doing exactly that. He'll start off okay, but then he "wakes up" or what have you, and he's right back to being the worst kind of ass. Emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive; he knows just where to hit me to hurt the worst, and he's not afraid to wield that particular blade.

Yet, for some stupid reason, I still continue to hope and believe that he can be better. I have to. We have Boogie. So, of course, I always end up getting hurt. And yes, I know, there are those of you probably thinking, "Well, dumbass, stop falling for it," and I even know I should. But I just want him to be better so badly. I want to know, I suppose, that I wasn't a complete idiot for falling in love with this man. That there is, somewhere, a redeeming quality in him that I can point out and say, "see! That! That right there! That's why I keep doing it! That's why I keep my faith in him!" ....

But... this time... I just can't. I can't believe him. I can't even muster up enough... desire to believe him. It's like... I've finally given up on him. I'm tired of being kicked around just because I'm not good enough for him. I never was, and I never will be. He still expects me to be Person A; and maybe I am, but if so, it's not because of him. And what I'm scared of, is what happens when he realizes that I'm not that person? That I'm really Person... F? What will happen then?

Will he go off the deep end again? Will I end up having every thing thrown in my face again? All my short comings. My failures. My "not enough"s. Will he keep me from Boogie again? I don't know anymore; and that's honestly what petrifies me the most.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other, more productive news. I have an interview for the Disney store tomorrow at 1330. I put in an application for "Public Safety Dispatcher" here in town, and filled out to join the "Uniformed Patrol" for the next town over and the county. I'm excited to see where these will go. I found out what the physical requirements are for the PD, so I'm going to strive to reach those goals. Partly for the job, mostly for me. It's time to start taking my life back in my hands.

One day at a time.

Day 12 part 2. Is it illegal if you aren't caught?

So, I started today in a good mood. Then I made the mistake of asking R if I could take Boogie out tomorrow. Now he's saying that I won't be allowed to see him unless R is present.

Okay... I get that I screwed up. I really do. And I don't even blame him for being so protective; but this is getting ridiculous. He's keeping me from Boogie, knowing I'm fully capable of taking care of my son; knowing full well that I'm not a "flight risk" or anything stupid. He knows how I feel about fathers being present in their childrens' lives. For the record, I've even volunteered to have other people with me and Boogie. As in, other supervision. I just don't want to be around R.

Yet he's trying to say that I "fucked up" my "one chance" by going to hang out with some friends because I had a couple beers, that were already at the house. Really? Does this make sense to anyone else?

Let me state again. I am willing to tolerate supervised visits as long as it's not R, because I already know that if I have to wait on him, than I'd hardly see Eric. Which is counterproductive to all of this. He's refusing to let me because I hung out with some friends (and if my mother ALSO told him WHO it was, than I'm pretty sure that's playing a factor) which, somehow, translates into me not caring about my son.

If someone can explain this logic to me, please feel free to do so.

My life in other peoples' words. Day 12 (technically)

You know, every once in a while, my boss shares a moment of clarity with me that just astounds me. Like today, he showed me the "inspirational speech" from Rocky Balboa.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NNQ0xO3_kk&feature=fvst

It seems silly to me, but, on some level, it hits pretty close to home. No pun intended.

I've been through a lot of hard hits lately, but... I'll make it through them. I'll get through all this. And somehow, I will find a way to find myself again.

So for today's epiphany, and, R, if you're reading this, which I doubt, but it still tickles me to think you might be, this is just for you:

YOU ARE NOT MY ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!

And for those of you wondering what the hell I'm even talking about, I highly suggest you check out the program, "Love is Evol" by Christopher Titus. It's pretty f'ing epic. 



On a side note. I've got a couple of new photo shoots in the works for this coming month that I'm super psyched about. Can't wait to show them off for ya'll. ^.^

Enjoy your week boys and girls.  

How do I get through it? Day 10

No, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you. I did rename the journal, and I did start keeping track of days. Not sure why yet. Just seemed the right thing to do.

Went for a run today. Through Overton Park first with Hanna, but then through the Central Park here in town. Not a good idea. I ran into R and someone who used to be my best friend, but because of my notoriously big mouth, we hardly talk anymore. Anyway. I didn't even realize it was them; I was just walking to my car to cool off and came up behind them on the trail. Bear called out to me, but it still took a second to register. Then I realized who it was and .... I've never felt more like an intruder.

I can't help feeling like it should have been me there with them, not her. Like she was the intruder. In my spot. But that's not the case anymore, I suppose. Everything was okay for a while, but I kept waiting for what I knew was coming, and, of course, it did.

They eventually had to go, and it hurt so much to have to give Boogie over to R. He kept holding on to me tighter and tighter every time I tried to pull him off. What hurt the most, though, was that it hardly even fazed Bear. He's already used to all this.

On top of this, R and I had another of our "moments of weakness" as I've come to call them. We start off talking, and we do, to some extent, but then he tries to comfort me, and for some stupid reason, I let him. One thing leads to another, and the next day, I'm left wondering how long it'll be before he's accusing me (yet again) of just "playing" with him or, my personal favorite, of just "manipulating" him. Dude, you asked to hold me. Not the other way around. So, as I wrote in my journal yesterday, "his starting out 'comforting' me turned into another round of angry 'I still hate you' sex disguised as 'let's make it better'... So he'll end up angry at me again and we'll be right back to where we started."

So how do I get through all this? How do I get through ... not knowing when I'm going to be able to see my babies again? How do I get through not knowing how long this seemingly amicable attitude toward me is going to last? How do I get through not knowing when my screw up is going to come back to bite me in the ass?

One day at a time, I suppose.

Today's Smut

So, occasionally, I get silly and write some random little smutty story. I'm not particularly a genius, but I'm not terrible, I think. I mean, I get myself hot off my stories, so they can't be that bad, right? Anyway, here's my newest venture.


Just Another Notch

We watch each other from across the bar. He smiles, I nod. The game is on. I watch him over the rim of my glass as he walks over. So cocky. So Sure of himself. 'This is going to be good' I think to myself. There's no subtlety to this one. He walks over and immediately places his hand on my thigh. His breath is warm in my ear and I have to catch myself from shivering. "Eyes like yours should only be on one person," he says. I can't help but smirk as I meet his gaze. I've gotta admit. I like that cockiness. He'll do.

I don't bother answering verbally. I can tell I've surprised him as I raise my hand to slowly trace across the front of his pants. I hear his breath hiss in my ear and I reach to gently nip at his. Better make sure he's the right type. Just as I thought: his grip on my thigh tightens and I hear him moan.

Thirty minutes later, we're back at his place. HIs hands are all over my body. Scratching, groping, holding me tighter to him every time I even try to pull away. He's doing well, this one. He doesn't ask questions. Just takes charge. 'Good boy'.

I grab a handful of his hair and pull his head back away from my chest. I'm not gentle. He just growls and squeezes my ass even harder where he's got me pinned against the wall. As punishment, he bites the top of my breast. My breath escapes in one long hiss and I throw my head back. 'Oh yes. You'll do nicely'.

Buttons pop as I tear the shirt from his chest. He lets me down just long enough to yank my dress over my head. Surprisingly, he pauses to take time to look at me in my thigh-highs, garter belt, and pumps. He looks like a kid at Christmas when he sees the distinct lack of either a bra or panties. 'ho ho ho'. He wastes no time, just gets on his knees and crawls over to me. I must admit, I'm a little taken back by the submissiveness, but it's only an act. As soon as he reaches me, he grabs my ass in both hands and dives right in. I have to catch myself on the wall. He's even better than I thought. I may have to reconsider this one.

I can't hold back the moan as he slides first two then three fingers inside me. His devouring me like I'm his last meal and every time I start to move, he slaps my ass with his free hand - hard. I love it. Then, as if he knows I'm about to cum, he releases me so quickly I fall back against the wall. His pants are already down by the time I realize what he's doing, and even faster than that, he has me on my knees, one hand at the back of my head, the other guiding his very impressive cock into my mouth. I almost don't think I can take this one, but I still manage to. Thankfully.

God, he tastes so good. I start thinking I may be the lucky one as he forces me onto him faster and faster, his breath coming out in soft grunts. Normally, I'd have taken over by this point, but I don't even mind it with him. I try to reach my hand up, but every time, he slaps them back down. I know he's getting close, though, and sure enough, he pulls out of my mouth and I can't believe myself when I let out a little whimper. "Oh, don't you worry. You'll get it back. Now turn around and bend the fuck over." I shiver and feel myself get even wetter at those words. Naturally, I comply.

I feel his hand on my lower back and I watch his face as he guides his cock just to the edge of my pussy, but rather than driving it home like I want him to, he slides the head between my lips and slowly starts rubbing my clit with it. Then he moves it even faster, and I'm writhing in pleasure as he starts slapping my clit. I'm so close, I let out a small mew, and I hear him laugh as he pulls back. Only then do I notice the mirror on the wall in front of me. Our eyes meet, and I don't even bother hiding my hunger from him. He leans over my back, his cock rubbing against my clit again, and whispers in my ear, "Say it." I can't even argue at this point. "Fuck me," I beg, "Please, just fuck me." He grins and I let out a soft scream as he shoves his entire length into me in one hard thrust.

There's no teasing or playing now. He's driving it home as hard as he can. It almost hurts, but his fingers rubbing over my clit are bringing all the pleasure right back. He leans back for a second, slows his thrusts down. Inch by inch, he pulls out. His nails are digging into my ass, and I can feel how hard he's trying to hold himself back in the shaking of his knees. He surprises me by slapping my ass and grabbing a hold of it just before he plows into my pussy again.

I can feel my own orgasm building as he pushes harder. My breath is coming out in sharp gasps now, and I glance at his face. He's close too. I reach down to rub myself and he catches my hand to pull it behind my back. "That's my privilege" he growls; and, mercifully, he reaches down to stroke me some more. I can't even hold back the scream as I cum. My knees almost buckle, but he's holding me up by my hips and it doesn't take him long to finish either.

I smile as he slowly lowers us to the bed we never managed to reach. Now the tenderness comes out as he kisses along my back. I roll over to face him and lay there as he slowly falls asleep, a small smile on his face. I almost feel bad as I carefully edge my way off the bed and across the room to retrieve my dress. 'He'd be worth keeping,' I tell myself as I pause to look at him from the doorway.

Ultimately, though, I know. He's just another notch in the belt. So I leave.

Catching up my diary I never write in.

So I have an actual journal, but I hardly ever write in it. Though, in lieu of having a book to read at work, I started writing. So here's my little catch up.


So Boogie's 2nd birthday has come and gone. Everything was all peachy, love, and wonderful. And then R and I got into another of our epic battles about the fact that I want to get into the military to help support my family; but he doesn't want my help. He doesn't want anything to do with me. He doesn't want me to help with the boys. All he kept saying was that he and Weylin aren't my concern anymore. Not my responsibilit. Etc. What he doesn't understand is that I can't just stop caring for them. I can't not care for them. Then again, I suppose I haven't even been.


I pretty much resent all of them. The boys don't deserve it. I love them both. They haven't done anything wrong... I don't know who I'm trying to convince right now.

Logicaly, I know they haven't done anything, but I can't help it.

I still blame R for ruining my life. Before him, I had promise. I had a goal. I knew where I was going. Then I let myself get wrapped up in him. Completely. My life wasn't about me anymore. It was about helping him. Getting him away from his ex. Helping him deal with his family. Then the custody battle for my step son. I gave myself over to him completely.

Then college came around, but I was already pregnant with Eric. And everything became about him. Then we moved and it was all about my family. I've never had a chance to just be me. And that's all I want, damn it! I WANT TO KNOW WHO I AM!!!

...I don't know myself anymore. I'm always someone else's something. R's girlfriend/wife. Boogie's mom. Bear's mom. I'm never just AYLA. Where did I go?! Who am I in all this?!? I had chances to go off and find myself but I was always so worried about everyone else, I never gave myself a chance to find ME!

.... So who am I? Who is Ayla House? ... I never even wanted to take that fucking name. I mean, I did, but I didn't want to put it on my social. I only did that to appease R. Trying to fix our marriage. I wanted to keep my maiden name.

Everything I've done for the last ... going on 5 years now... has been for R and my family. I don't know how to focus on myself. And that may sound funny to some of you. Granted, the people that find that funny most likely aren't reading this. Regardless, there are those out there that would say I'm a little too good at focusing on myself. Maybe I am. I simply don't know anymore.

All I know at this point is that I want my son back. I feel utterly... like a character from the fucking Twilight series. That is to say, utterly devoid of any actual character or substance. I feel so utterly hollow, it's as if I shouldn't even be here. I suppose that's where the problem comes in though. That I don't feel as if I belong here. Maybe I don't. Maybe I should be somewhere else.

My grandparents have a place out in NC now. They've offered to let me stay with them. Maybe I should. Then again, it's more likely that I'd drive myself crazy trying to tolerate them. I love them to death, but they're very set in their ways. Which just so happen to be very different than mine.

But... if things aren't working here - which they obviously aren't - maybe .... maybe removing myself from it all completely would help? I don't even know... Ugh. What do you do when you know you need help, but you don't know what kind?

Maybe I should just go to Addicts Anonymous. "Hello. My name is Ayla, and I'm addicted to.... what?"


~~ So, there's that. My entire journal entry for today. I never said it'd be a lovely thing to read. It was hard to type, honestly. I feel a little better... finally admitting some of that; but it hurts, knowing it's true. Ah well. At least I'm doing it. One day at a time.

Popping the Cherry

So... This, I suppose, is my first post on my Big-girl blog. I honestly don't know what to write. I can already warn you, there are going to be a lot of posts that are going to sound so emo, you'll get sick of me, but on that same token, there'll probably be a lot that sound like I'm on drugs. The good kind. I wish.


I'm only 20, but I already have a 2 year old son that I adore. He's got that perfect blend of both his father's and my looks. Mine are subtler, but they're there if you know what you're looking for. ... There are days I hate that. His father and I are about to go through a divorce. I'm hoping he won't file for full custody, but he says he will. I can't really blame him. I screwed up. Big time.


I suffer from bi-polar disorder. Normally, I can keep it in check; but when I get stressed out (translation: whenever I deal with ex) it can get out of hand. Throw in my own tendency for self-punishment that would make the members of Opus Dei jealous. It gets a little nuts.

So, Wednesday, Ex and I were having another of our famous arguments and I finally snapped. I drove ten hours to the coast with the intention of killing myself, but, thankfully, I got a phone call from just the right person. I'm sure there'll be more to come on him later. He's kinda the basis for a lot of my smut. (Yes, I'm one of those too.)

So, now, I have to focus on getting better for my son. Part of me is so pissed off at all of this, but the logical side of myself knows I need it. It's still hard though, knowing that I'll hardly get to see my son from now on. And that's where this blog comes in, I guess. Just somewhere for me to record all of my angry, hurt, over-emotional, bitchy, spastic, snarky thoughts that I won't get to say in "real" life.

Obviously, it won't ALL be like that, but... well, you know what I mean. Just... be prepared for a lot of cussing. I grew up in a NAVY household. Sarcasm, bullshit, and swearing are three languages I'm FLUENT in.


I guess we'll just see where this goes.