Thursday, September 29, 2011

Day 15. Nothing to say.

I feel so numb right now. I got to see Eric tonight, so you'd think I'd be happy but I literally feel like I'm going to throw up.

Everything was okay until R decided he wanted to talk. He apologized for being an asshole (see previous entry), but I don't know how much of that to believe. He promised he'd try to start trusting me and listening to me; but I honestly can't believe that.

A little background here. He's never trusted me. In anything. Not even necessarily because I did anything, but just... because. Don't get me wrong. I had my moments. I'm not perfect. I'll never claim to be. He's just not a trusting person, by nature. Neither am I, really, but where he never trusts, I start off a little too trusting and then just wait for "you" to screw up. That particular tendency has only been expounded upon because of R's habit of doing exactly that. He'll start off okay, but then he "wakes up" or what have you, and he's right back to being the worst kind of ass. Emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive; he knows just where to hit me to hurt the worst, and he's not afraid to wield that particular blade.

Yet, for some stupid reason, I still continue to hope and believe that he can be better. I have to. We have Boogie. So, of course, I always end up getting hurt. And yes, I know, there are those of you probably thinking, "Well, dumbass, stop falling for it," and I even know I should. But I just want him to be better so badly. I want to know, I suppose, that I wasn't a complete idiot for falling in love with this man. That there is, somewhere, a redeeming quality in him that I can point out and say, "see! That! That right there! That's why I keep doing it! That's why I keep my faith in him!" ....

But... this time... I just can't. I can't believe him. I can't even muster up enough... desire to believe him. It's like... I've finally given up on him. I'm tired of being kicked around just because I'm not good enough for him. I never was, and I never will be. He still expects me to be Person A; and maybe I am, but if so, it's not because of him. And what I'm scared of, is what happens when he realizes that I'm not that person? That I'm really Person... F? What will happen then?

Will he go off the deep end again? Will I end up having every thing thrown in my face again? All my short comings. My failures. My "not enough"s. Will he keep me from Boogie again? I don't know anymore; and that's honestly what petrifies me the most.


In other, more productive news. I have an interview for the Disney store tomorrow at 1330. I put in an application for "Public Safety Dispatcher" here in town, and filled out to join the "Uniformed Patrol" for the next town over and the county. I'm excited to see where these will go. I found out what the physical requirements are for the PD, so I'm going to strive to reach those goals. Partly for the job, mostly for me. It's time to start taking my life back in my hands.

One day at a time.

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