Friday, November 18, 2011

Day 69(giggle): Catch up/ Theme Day

This past week has been just this side of too interesting. Had court Wednesday morning for the Temporary Custody hearing. Went well, considering. I get to see Boogie more often, and R seems to finally have come to his senses. "Seems" being the key word there. He's having his lawyer draw up new, amended paperwork. Without the lies about adultery, etc. Like I told him last night, though. That paperwork better be in my hand by Tuesday, or I'll be going to the courts Wednesday morning to file my counterclaim and all the Discovery requests that would prove him guilty of perjury. I'm not giving him another chance to screw me over.

On top of that, I've been sick as a dog since yesterday afternoon. Was running a fever of - at its highest - 103.6 that friggin sucked. Luckily, it broke after a couple hours, though. So I'm still a little queasy, but it's tolerable. Hoping I'll be better in time for work this afternoon. I had to call in to Disney last night, and Leela's this morning. I'm considering just popping a Day-quil and crossing my fingers.

On the plus side, Monkey and I were joking the other day, and have come up with a name for my bookstore that I'm going to open one day. "Vixie's Parchments and Pastries" Bookstore / International Pastry shop. It's going to be awesome. My two favorite things in the world - combined! We're going to have brown, recycled boxes, and emerald ribbons to wrap around them for the people carrying out the pastries; and emerald recyclable bags with brown needle work with the store name on it to carry out the books. And we'll mix it up for the holidays so it's all coordinating colors (i.e. Christmas = red/green; Halloween = black/orange; etc). Needless to say, I'm a little excited.


As for theme day!!! Here's to Number 20 on my Shameless List. Talk about Sex. It's just a poem I wrote one day at work while I was bored; but I still love it. Hope you do too.


My body burns for yours,
My breath comes faster - shallower.
My breasts grow heavy,
My skin feels too tight.

I can feel myself moistening for you.
My thoughts are fragmented;
But they have one thing in common:
I want to throw you down, right here, and fuck you.

It's all I can do not to touch myself.
I wouldn't even care if anyone saw.
I want you here. now.
Take me. Fuck me. Make me beg.

I smile as I think of what you'd do.
The ways I'd ravage your body.
But then, I quietly sign the delivery sheet you've brought in,
And wave goodbye as you leave. Completely Oblivious.

Have a great weekend, my Darlings; and remember to take it One Day at a Time. 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Day 63: Emotional Toll

Okay. Time for Shameless act #21. Express a strong feeling. I thought this would be a relatively funny one to do, but with all the thinking I've been doing lately, it's going to be a little serious.

I'm starting to think I should take Ms. Diandra's advice and perform an emotional separation ritual. No matter how much I try to distance myself from R, I always see or hear something that reminds me of us; or I'll think of him being with another woman (usually either the Cat or, I suppose she calls herself the "Raven") and I just get this stab of jealousy that, believe me, I wish I didn't feel. Just the thought, though, of another woman, specifically either of them touching Boogie... and the only thing I can think of is removing their hands; as well as a slew of other vicious bodily harm. Bad Karma, I know; but I can't help it.

Which brings me to #14. Hold yourself accountable — not guilty — for something crappy you did to someone else.

I have no excuse other then my youth and ignorance for some of the things I said and did to the Cat. I can't ask forgiveness, because it's my shame to carry. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing, but as I go through all of this, I realize how horribly wrong I was. For all of it. Not that I expect anything to come out of my saying this; but at least I have.


Unrelated note. Poor Boogie's got such a bad cough; but it's the same kind he had around this time last year. Had to go and get him some medicine this morning, since the stuff R brought over, is only good for kids over four. It literally says on the box, "Under 4 - Do not use". So I bought him some stuff that will work for his age. It seems to be, so far.

Ticked me off, though, that R dropped him off with no socks on. Again. It's cold. He has a cough. And you forget to put socks on his feet. Really? At least he remembered to put a jacket on Boo this time. He hasn't the past two weeks. Ugh.

But I don't want this to turn into one of those "He's a crap parent" things; because, in all honesty, he's not. R is a good father, when he isn't being an utter dousche. Sadly, though, that's been less and less often lately.

Oh well. Not a lot I can do about that, sadly. Just going to have to - as always - breathe and take things One Day At a Time.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Day 62: Nothing to offer

So, I actually had a good day at work today. Just shipment day, which I love. I actually prefer being in the back doing inventory versus being out front with the customers. Only because I feel like such a creeper. I work in the Disney Store, which - obviously - is geared toward children, so I always feel like a complete pedo when I'm trying to be "magical".

This morning started off pretty interesting too, considering I went to get in the shower, and found a huge spider bite on my boob. I'd been wondering why I was sore, but I didn't think of anything of it until I looked down, and "Holy Jesus!" There's a massive purple lump on the side. So I lanced it, got it cleaned up, and now it's only tender to the touch and a funky pink color.

All of this, though, was kind of shadowed by my thinking process today; because, of course, I can't go one day without just mentally beating myself.

Two men delivered the shipment we got into work today. An older guy named Joe who seemed pretty nice, and a younger, so far unknown guy who was pretty cute. I liked his glasses, and he had a nice ass. Didn't really talk to him, though. I'm still awkward when it comes to talking to guys once they have my attention. One of the managers kind of picked on me about it. Oh well.

Back to what I was saying, though. This, and my conversation with a couple other friends got me thinking. I really don't have anything to offer anyone. Relationship-wise. Not that I even really need to be thinking about another one right now, obviously; but even after. What then? Bear with me a  moment while I explain my thinking here.

  1. I'm a soon to be 20 year old divorcee. 
  2. I have a two year old son. 
  3. I have no "real" skills; aside from my "Devious" charm, my moderate understanding of German, and the sheer determination that comes from being a redhead.
  4. I live with my friggin parents because, at the moment, I'm too broke to afford my own place. 
  5. I no longer have any form of transportation. Though I'm looking around for one. 
  6. I'm ridiculously insecure with how I look, though I put up a good front around most people. 
  7. I'm not Christian. I'm Pagan. I only mention this because I do, after all, live in the Bible belt, and that's kind of a deal breaker for a lot of people here. 
  8. I'm Bisexual. As in, I'll be checking out the girls too. Again, only mentioning because of the Bible Belt thing. 
  9. I have a lot of debt, at the moment. From Hospital bills, mostly; but it's still a pain in the ass. 
  10. I have enough emotional baggage to fill a yard full of train cars. 
So, in short, I'm just a hot frigging mess. I honestly don't have anything to offer anyone right now; and although it needs to be the furthest thing from my mind - what I can give to someone else - it still bothers me, because, it's like... it's not just that I don't have anything to offer anyone else, it's that I don't even have anything to offer to myself.

Granted, I'm working on changing all that; but it's still.... It just seems like I'm always knocked back to square one. I guess, though, at the end of the day; all that matters is that I just keep going.

One day at a time. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Day 61: I suck at this

So, of course, the day after I promise to be on here to post at least my shameless acts, everything goes crazy. Granted, I needed the break anyway, since I was starting to feel like the chick in the car commercial ("That's not a real puppy"), but still.

So, I've had a couple epiphanies here in the past few days regarding this whole divorce thing. I know ya'll are all probably sick to death of hearing about it, but this is pretty much the only way I can get it out anymore.

1. Despite everything he's saying, I don't think R's doing this for Boogie anymore. He can say he is until he's blue in the face, but if that were true, he wouldn't have lied the way he did on the paperwork, nor would he have included what he did. He's made this personal. Why, I don't know. I still don't know what it is that I could possibly have done to him to make him hate me so much; but, sadly, there's still a part of me that wishes I knew just so I could "fix" things. I know there's no chance of that happening, but I still have to hold out whatever hope I can. It's just kind of part of my DNA at this point.

2. I'm SOOOO not ready for this. I thought I would be, but I'm not. I don't have the money for an attorney, as R well knows. Part of me still doesn't even want this damn divorce. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm just going in circles at this point, and I RREEEEEAAAAALLLLLLLYYY freaking hate it. I know what I could do, but I don't want this divorce to get any uglier than R's already made it, and I don't want to give him any reason to accuse me of any more bull than he already has.

I just keep hoping (as immature as this is going to sound) that he's going to wake up and realize that what he's doing is wrong.... Then again, I spent practically our entire relationship doing just that, so I don't suppose it's going to change now.


In other news, I'm going to go a little out of order, and tell ya'll about my #6 Shameless Act. "Act “girly” or “manly” in a way you’d normally avoid."

I didn't do it on purpose, since it happened before Halloween, even, but it's probably the girliest moment I've ever had. Definitely not my shining moment of bravado.

Sasquatch, Scrappy, Monkey, and Biscuit invited me to go to a Haunted House with them and a few other friends the Friday before Halloween. I hadn't been to one in a few years, so I was all for it. We got there, and realized that it was actually split into two separate sections. The main Horror section, which was pretty cool. Scary, definitely, but not too bad. Though I'll admit, I jumped sky high when the required chain saw guy came at me, and I almost knocked down one of the guys that came with us.

Then there was the other section.... "Dark Matter". 3D Paint - manageable. Blacklights - annoying, but tolerable. .... And clowns. ... Fucking. Clowns. Which I don't care for on a normal day. But. Me being me, I just had to try. Worst. Idea. EVER.

My 3D glasses kept slipping off, before we even got inside, so I just left them off after the first 2 or 3 minutes. The entrance wasn't too bad, just a guy jumping out with some glowy glasses. Then there was the rotating tunnel that you have to walk through that typically throws you completely off balance. It wasn't too bad, but Monkey was holding onto me so tightly, and I was in the lead, that he kept pulling me into the rails.

Then came the part that REALLY messed me up. As soon as the first clown came out, I screamed, but I figured I'd be okay. NOT. Let me just sideline and explain something real quick. My worst fears were definitely working against me on this one. I hate being in the dark in new places, I hate when things pop out at me, and I hate loud noises (even balloons make me flinch). 

Yes, I know, some of you are thinking exactly this ~~~> 
Just bear with me, please. 

So we get around the next corner, I'm clinging to Monkey like a fresh pair of panties, trying to hide my face in his jacket, and, the next clown came out to blow a freaking air horn just behind my head. The last one I remember seeing was the one sitting on top of the wall, that came down and hit it. I was the only one that noticed him, so everyone was pushing me forward and couldn't understand why I wouldn't move until he did. I tried running past, but he swung as soon as I passed, and I ran into a wall, which had another clown next to it, so I fell back from there, and into another.

Long story short, I ended up having a full-scale panic attack before I could get out of there. Monkey and Biscuit practically had to carry me out. The last things I remember in that place was this woman who popped up out of nowhere while I'm already freaking out, and blowing another air horn in my face. That's where I lost it the hardest. I hit the ground, screaming my lungs out, and I remember just crying and repeating, "Make it stop!"

When the guys finally managed to get me outside, I could hardly breathe, and they had to call an EMT over to look at me to make sure I'd be okay. I couldn't stop shaking for about 10 minutes, and I felt like utter dog shit for freaking out that bad. I never get that afraid of anything, but that place was just a sensory overload of the worst kind. Everyone was trying to get me to calm down after, but I wouldn't have it. I felt like such an idiot for going into something like that, and I'm pretty sure it'll be a few more years before I set foot in another Haunted House again.

Anyway, time to get to #4. Waste time. I've been jonesing for some sailor moon lately so I'm going to catch up a little bit before I go to bed.

So, as always, take a deep breath. Focus; and just take it one day at a time.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Day 55: Shameless #1

Okay, let me just start by pointing out something I thought of and wrote down in my other journal today. My life, at this point, is a pretty open book. I don't hide anything, because I don't have to. As in, I don't have anything to hide. If you can't find it on here or any of the other sites I partake in, than chances are you could just ask me; and if you still haven't found the answer you're looking for there, it's because it doesn't exist. This applies to practically everything. That's not to say that there aren't things I keep to myself, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm hiding them either, because, chances are, at least one other person knows.

That being said, I'm going to get on to the interesting part in this. My shameless act for the day:  Declare your love for an uncool TV show. Now, I don't necessarily find this fair, simply because it is entirely possible that my definition for cool and yours are probably very different. As in this case. I know that now, a lot of people would find it uncool, but back in the day, this show was the shit. At least to me and my best friend at the time. We'd rush home every day from elementary school just to watch it. (Yes, it's that old.) I remember it was one of the first animes to reach the US, and definitely one of the first "girly" series that I remember (any idea yet?). I wasn't a huge fan of the main heroine, since even at the time, she was a little ditzy for me, but I was pretty devoted to a couple of her teammates (I'm sure you've got an idea by now).

Yep, my "uncool" TV show, even though I STILL find it awesome, is none other than {{ cue cheesy drumroll }}

That's right, folks. Sailor Moon. I'm still going through and watching all the episodes again. I'm already on episode 56, but I've been working on it for a while. Speaking of, Monkey just got here and I'm going to try and taint him with it. See if I can't convert him. ;p

One episode, one shameless act, one convert, one day at a time.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Day 54: Hell Hath No Fury

So I knew R was a dirty, filthy, back-stabbing, lying scumbag, but he's gone to a new low. Got the paperwork from his lawyer yesterday, and it's nothing but a pack of lies. He says we were together until almost September of this year. Which, as everyone knows, is completely ridiculous. His own family could testify to that. He also cites "adultery" as one of the reasons for the divorce. I'm not even going to waste my breath on that one. I've said it before.

I don't know what it is that he's thinking, but as I've told him a hundred times over: I don't want anything from him. Not his money (in either child support or alimony), not the stupid car, NO-THING. The only thing I want out of this divorce is joint custody of Boogie. I don't know what part of that is posing such a complication for his understanding; but it's really starting to piss me off. If his lawyer (and I know it's weird to say this) hadn't seemed like such a .... sensible man, yesterday, I'd be half tempted to send back the papers with a great, big, FUCK YOU written across the front, and corrections made throughout them. 


On a side note, I'm going to take a leaf out of Kat o' Nine Tales and do this 30 Posts thing. Figure it will give me a definite reason to be on more often. I've been a little negligent. So here's the list in it's entirety, and I guess we'll just go through every day and see what happens. I'll admit now, it's a little funnier to read her commentary, but considering the subject in this case (me! ... Oh dear god), I'm sure it'll still be rather ridonkulous. Yes, you read that right. My word. Get used to it.

  1. Declare your love for an uncool TV show.
  2. Look a fool. ~I should get a pay check for this.
  3. Eat. Whatever you feel like eating.  ~ I usually do anyway.
  4. Waste time. ~When don't I?
  5. Declare your love for an uncool movie. 
  6. Act “girly” or “manly” in a way you’d normally avoid. ~I'm with Kat on this one. I'm a "girly tomboy" so there isn't much I won't do.
  7. Share your efforts at something you don't think you do well. 
  8. Sweat.
  9. Expose something dirty or nasty you'd normally keep hidden.  ~Damn, and here I've already talked about my marriage.
  10. Declare your love for an uncool band. 
  11. Dress to show some skin. ~Now this I'm a natural at.
  12. Share about a health struggle.
  13. Speak up about something crap that was done to you. ~See previous marriage comment.
  14. Hold yourself accountable — not guilty — for something crappy you did to someone else.
  15. Dress, walk, and act like you know you’re all that. ~Time to break out the heels. And garter belt... hehehe
  16. Spend money on a non-essential or share a financial struggle.   ~I'm a waitress for a living. Life is a financial struggle.
  17. Discuss the reality of your work situation.
  18. Brag.
  19. Share details about a bodily function or fluid.
  20. Talk about sex. ~That would entail that I'm actually getting any. I sense a smut coming.
  21. Express a strong feeling ~Again, gotta agree with Kat. I'm Irish; and German; and was raised in a Latino/ Jewish community. It's hard to find me NOT having a strong feeling.
  22. Set a boundary.
  23. Air one of your secrets.
  24. Share a struggle you have yet to “just get over.”
  25. Ask for help.  ~This one might grain a little. I tend to avoid these at all costs.
  26. Make a mistake.  ~ I've mentioned my marriage, right?
  27. Express a dissenting opinion.
  28. Discuss a failure.
  29. Look a fool.
  30. Name 3 more ways you can live shamelessly and commit to doing them.
So now we just sit back and wait, I suppose; and I'll start on these tomorrow. Promise. Just another part of taking things One Day at a Time.

Song for the day: Jasmine Tabatabai - Let Yourself Go Wild