Friday, November 11, 2011

Day 62: Nothing to offer

So, I actually had a good day at work today. Just shipment day, which I love. I actually prefer being in the back doing inventory versus being out front with the customers. Only because I feel like such a creeper. I work in the Disney Store, which - obviously - is geared toward children, so I always feel like a complete pedo when I'm trying to be "magical".

This morning started off pretty interesting too, considering I went to get in the shower, and found a huge spider bite on my boob. I'd been wondering why I was sore, but I didn't think of anything of it until I looked down, and "Holy Jesus!" There's a massive purple lump on the side. So I lanced it, got it cleaned up, and now it's only tender to the touch and a funky pink color.

All of this, though, was kind of shadowed by my thinking process today; because, of course, I can't go one day without just mentally beating myself.

Two men delivered the shipment we got into work today. An older guy named Joe who seemed pretty nice, and a younger, so far unknown guy who was pretty cute. I liked his glasses, and he had a nice ass. Didn't really talk to him, though. I'm still awkward when it comes to talking to guys once they have my attention. One of the managers kind of picked on me about it. Oh well.

Back to what I was saying, though. This, and my conversation with a couple other friends got me thinking. I really don't have anything to offer anyone. Relationship-wise. Not that I even really need to be thinking about another one right now, obviously; but even after. What then? Bear with me a  moment while I explain my thinking here.

  1. I'm a soon to be 20 year old divorcee. 
  2. I have a two year old son. 
  3. I have no "real" skills; aside from my "Devious" charm, my moderate understanding of German, and the sheer determination that comes from being a redhead.
  4. I live with my friggin parents because, at the moment, I'm too broke to afford my own place. 
  5. I no longer have any form of transportation. Though I'm looking around for one. 
  6. I'm ridiculously insecure with how I look, though I put up a good front around most people. 
  7. I'm not Christian. I'm Pagan. I only mention this because I do, after all, live in the Bible belt, and that's kind of a deal breaker for a lot of people here. 
  8. I'm Bisexual. As in, I'll be checking out the girls too. Again, only mentioning because of the Bible Belt thing. 
  9. I have a lot of debt, at the moment. From Hospital bills, mostly; but it's still a pain in the ass. 
  10. I have enough emotional baggage to fill a yard full of train cars. 
So, in short, I'm just a hot frigging mess. I honestly don't have anything to offer anyone right now; and although it needs to be the furthest thing from my mind - what I can give to someone else - it still bothers me, because, it's like... it's not just that I don't have anything to offer anyone else, it's that I don't even have anything to offer to myself.

Granted, I'm working on changing all that; but it's still.... It just seems like I'm always knocked back to square one. I guess, though, at the end of the day; all that matters is that I just keep going.

One day at a time. 

1 comment:

  1. Why don't you turn that list around?

    You have tried things in life instead of sitting in your room.
    You are a loving mother.
    You are only twenty, for Frigg's sake - what kind of talents do you think you should have at that age? (At the ripe age of 29 *lol*, I can say that once people are considered grown-ups, they start off thinking they know (or should know) everything, then come to realize they know nothing and, with lots of luck, end up convinced that they can still learn a thing or two. Seems you're ahead of your age group by at least five years.)
    Then once again, you are twenty. It is not bad to live with your parents for a while until you can really stand on your own feet.
    And as for "no transportation" - uhm, we are 29 and 35, respectively, and own one bike. (The public transportation system is better in Germany than in the US, as far as I know, but still...) Having your own transportation may be cool, but it really is not a sign of "being someone". Making your life work without it, on the other hand...
    Next stop - your looks. All women have got that problem in their mind. So that kind of doesn't count. But - you're a redhead. (I am a little envious.) Many guys love redheads. Make that work in your favor.
    Bible belt or no bible belt - what's bad about being a Pagan? You have thought about and chosen your path. And once you get your feet together under yourself, you can still move anywhere you want.
    Being bisexcual is great, too. At least that's what most of the guys I know think. (Yeah. They've all got the fantasy they get to share. They are cute.) As for the big BB - see above.
    Being in debt is not a bad character trait, either. Not doing anything about it... well, that would be another story. But sometimes we simply can't help it. I depended on student loans for university and have got several thousands to pay back. I've got a plan, and maybe I am "free" in ten years. Who cares. (No one is going to ask for your credit report on a first date.)
    And your "emotional baggage" - you are human. You'Ve got your experiences. You are still sorting through them. At least you are aware of them, that in itself is great.

    (Honestly, I am not trying to belittle you or anything, please stop making yourself small and less than perfect. You are exactly the way you are supposed to be, you will learn the right lessons, and you have got all the tools you need to turn your life in any direction you want. That includes finding just the right guy at the right moment, and enjoying yourself immensely on the way.)