Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Day 205: So empty

I hate having to be honest with myself. It means having to admit that all of this hurts. That I hate how I feel. That even I feel in the first place. I am so tired of always having to be strong. Of forcing myself to push through things. When what I need, and really want, is not be okay for a while. To just allow myself to admit that it hurts, that I am weak once in a while, and that it's okay to not be okay. I don't know how to do that, though. I've always been the one saying, "I'll live." Yet true as that statement is, I don't want to just live.

I always feel so torn, because the logical part of me, the adult part of me, honestly, wants to move on. Is saying, "Girl, get over this! Come on, already!" Yet so much of me is still saying, "But what if..." What if I could fix it? What if I could do something better this time?

I'm sure everyone is sick to death of me harping on the same things over and over by now. I'm sorta sick of myself at this point. But I can't help it. I don't know how to stop feeling like I should have done something differently. I can't help searching back and trying to find exactly where it was that I screwed up so much that R felt he had to push me away. I don't jknow where it was, honestly. I know I screwed up a lot at the end, after he had already made it clear that he was no longer interested in being with me, but what could I do to have pushed him to that point?

It's even worse because I have a lot of people telling me how "great" and "wonderful" I am. I get showered with compliments every day, but I can almost never believe any of them, because it always comes back to the same thing: Than why couldn't he see that? Why doesn't he?

So I just.... I feel so empty inside now. Like a piece of me has died a little. Yet at the same time, I just feel so consumed with pain. As if I'll never feel anything else again. I feel so pathetic for all of this, too. The "strong" part of me is so furious with this side. As if I'm two different people in one body. The strong part that has already moved on and is saying a big "fuck you, sir" to R; and then the larger part, who is still so weak, and fragile, wanting so desperately just to be loved.

Then again, that's the problem, isn't it? I want to be loved, but I can never decide by whom.

I love R, and I want to be with him, or at least try to be with him again. If only for the boys' sake. Yet I also love Monkey. Which is why I broke things off with him when I realized how easily I could hurt him. Then, of course, there's Frank. Who has alway s been there for me, but never within my grasp. He's the lucky one in all of this, I think.

So what do you do when you have so much love that you so desperatly want to give someone, yet - for various reasons - can't?

Take things, as ever, One Day At A Time, I suppose...

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Day 201: Hello again, minions.

So.... crap. It's been well over a month.... again. I really do suck at this. Granted, it's been a very busy month.

Highlights, you ask? Sure.

  • I turned 21 on the 23rd. That was kinda cool. I can now, legally, become an alcoholic, which I'm kind of afraid of, honestly, but so far have avoided. 
  • I found out that one of my friends from high school who I hadn't seen in over a year, was finally back in town, which tickled me pink. I was so glad to find out about that. Especially considering...
  • Monkey and I got kicked out of our place with his friends. Rather, I got kicked out, and he came along. They were getting involved in a lot of things that I don't agree with, so it was only a matter of time anyway,  but still. 
  • So, now I live with aforementioned friend and I broke things off with Monkey because....
  • I found out that R is now seeing my ex best friend from High school. The one I've mentioned before. I knew it was only a matter of time, but still, there's a part of me that just wants to slap both of them. 
It wouldn't have been so bad, necessarily, if it weren't for the simple fact that I've been considering trying again with R. For  a good while. We owe it to the kids to try again. Well, unfortunately, before I could talk to him about it, I realized what was going on. So I tried to be smart and not say anything, but I just couldn't. So I stupidly told him how I felt, only to be told that he's now "happy and in love" with her and wants "nothing more to do with [me]". 

You'd think I'd have learned, right? After all, I spent months talking about how "over him" I was. How "happy" I was. Yada yada yada bullshit. I'm just mad at myself that it took this for me to realize just how not over things I am. I've been lying to myself for the longest simply because I wanted it to be that way. Desperately. That's not how it works. 

I'm not over R. Not by a long shot. I am still pathetically in love with my husband. I still want to be in love with him. I want to try and make my family work. I want my home to work. I just want to feel like I can come home to something again. Even at our worst, I knew I could come home to my family and the people I love. Yet he doesn't want to try. He's "put too much money into this divorce" to even consider trying again. 

What hurts the most, honestly, is that one of the biggest reasons we separated was because he wouldn't support my dream of joining the military. I just wanted to be able to help care for my family, but he wouldn't agree to let me go because he "couldn't trust" me. Well, Girlfriend leaves on April 18th for the NAVY. Go fucking figure; and he's okay with it because he can "actually trust her". Just one more reason for me to beat the living crap out of both of them. 

So, unfortunately, I slipped into "Cunt-mode" and said and did a lot of really nasty, ugly things. To both of them. Granted, I still think she's tacky for getting into things, considering our history with her, and it infuriates me that he's so quickly "in love" with someone else, but it's not my place to tell him what he can and can't do. I'll let him screw this one up all on his own. I outwardly - and mostly inwardly - hope he doesn't, but the part of me that knows him, knows he will, and is sorta banking on it. 

I feel like an absolute shit for that, but it's the truth, and I can't/won't apologize for how I feel. 

Everyone keeps asking me, "Why? Why do you even want to try again? After everything this asshole has done, why bother?" Well, because, at the end of the day, he is still my husband and still the father of my children; and I still love him. If only for that fact alone. 


Now, here I am trying to get myself together - again. Unfortunately, I already know that's not going to happen if I stay here. I'm a waitress for a living, with no real job or life experience. Not exactly the best combination for taking care of a toddler. 

So, once this divorce is final, which should be within the next month or so, I'll be signing up for the Air Force and getting the hell out of Dodge. I can't stay here and watch Numbnuts replace me. Especially when there's nothing here for me to do. The only thing left for me here is Boogie, and he's honestly better off with his dad right now, considering my present situation. So.... there's that. I'm not thrilled about it in the least, but I just have to do what I have to do, I guess. 

One Day At A Time.