Saturday, March 24, 2012

Day 201: Hello again, minions.

So.... crap. It's been well over a month.... again. I really do suck at this. Granted, it's been a very busy month.

Highlights, you ask? Sure.

  • I turned 21 on the 23rd. That was kinda cool. I can now, legally, become an alcoholic, which I'm kind of afraid of, honestly, but so far have avoided. 
  • I found out that one of my friends from high school who I hadn't seen in over a year, was finally back in town, which tickled me pink. I was so glad to find out about that. Especially considering...
  • Monkey and I got kicked out of our place with his friends. Rather, I got kicked out, and he came along. They were getting involved in a lot of things that I don't agree with, so it was only a matter of time anyway,  but still. 
  • So, now I live with aforementioned friend and I broke things off with Monkey because....
  • I found out that R is now seeing my ex best friend from High school. The one I've mentioned before. I knew it was only a matter of time, but still, there's a part of me that just wants to slap both of them. 
It wouldn't have been so bad, necessarily, if it weren't for the simple fact that I've been considering trying again with R. For  a good while. We owe it to the kids to try again. Well, unfortunately, before I could talk to him about it, I realized what was going on. So I tried to be smart and not say anything, but I just couldn't. So I stupidly told him how I felt, only to be told that he's now "happy and in love" with her and wants "nothing more to do with [me]". 

You'd think I'd have learned, right? After all, I spent months talking about how "over him" I was. How "happy" I was. Yada yada yada bullshit. I'm just mad at myself that it took this for me to realize just how not over things I am. I've been lying to myself for the longest simply because I wanted it to be that way. Desperately. That's not how it works. 

I'm not over R. Not by a long shot. I am still pathetically in love with my husband. I still want to be in love with him. I want to try and make my family work. I want my home to work. I just want to feel like I can come home to something again. Even at our worst, I knew I could come home to my family and the people I love. Yet he doesn't want to try. He's "put too much money into this divorce" to even consider trying again. 

What hurts the most, honestly, is that one of the biggest reasons we separated was because he wouldn't support my dream of joining the military. I just wanted to be able to help care for my family, but he wouldn't agree to let me go because he "couldn't trust" me. Well, Girlfriend leaves on April 18th for the NAVY. Go fucking figure; and he's okay with it because he can "actually trust her". Just one more reason for me to beat the living crap out of both of them. 

So, unfortunately, I slipped into "Cunt-mode" and said and did a lot of really nasty, ugly things. To both of them. Granted, I still think she's tacky for getting into things, considering our history with her, and it infuriates me that he's so quickly "in love" with someone else, but it's not my place to tell him what he can and can't do. I'll let him screw this one up all on his own. I outwardly - and mostly inwardly - hope he doesn't, but the part of me that knows him, knows he will, and is sorta banking on it. 

I feel like an absolute shit for that, but it's the truth, and I can't/won't apologize for how I feel. 

Everyone keeps asking me, "Why? Why do you even want to try again? After everything this asshole has done, why bother?" Well, because, at the end of the day, he is still my husband and still the father of my children; and I still love him. If only for that fact alone. 


Now, here I am trying to get myself together - again. Unfortunately, I already know that's not going to happen if I stay here. I'm a waitress for a living, with no real job or life experience. Not exactly the best combination for taking care of a toddler. 

So, once this divorce is final, which should be within the next month or so, I'll be signing up for the Air Force and getting the hell out of Dodge. I can't stay here and watch Numbnuts replace me. Especially when there's nothing here for me to do. The only thing left for me here is Boogie, and he's honestly better off with his dad right now, considering my present situation. So.... there's that. I'm not thrilled about it in the least, but I just have to do what I have to do, I guess. 

One Day At A Time. 

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