Saturday, September 24, 2011

How do I get through it? Day 10

No, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you. I did rename the journal, and I did start keeping track of days. Not sure why yet. Just seemed the right thing to do.

Went for a run today. Through Overton Park first with Hanna, but then through the Central Park here in town. Not a good idea. I ran into R and someone who used to be my best friend, but because of my notoriously big mouth, we hardly talk anymore. Anyway. I didn't even realize it was them; I was just walking to my car to cool off and came up behind them on the trail. Bear called out to me, but it still took a second to register. Then I realized who it was and .... I've never felt more like an intruder.

I can't help feeling like it should have been me there with them, not her. Like she was the intruder. In my spot. But that's not the case anymore, I suppose. Everything was okay for a while, but I kept waiting for what I knew was coming, and, of course, it did.

They eventually had to go, and it hurt so much to have to give Boogie over to R. He kept holding on to me tighter and tighter every time I tried to pull him off. What hurt the most, though, was that it hardly even fazed Bear. He's already used to all this.

On top of this, R and I had another of our "moments of weakness" as I've come to call them. We start off talking, and we do, to some extent, but then he tries to comfort me, and for some stupid reason, I let him. One thing leads to another, and the next day, I'm left wondering how long it'll be before he's accusing me (yet again) of just "playing" with him or, my personal favorite, of just "manipulating" him. Dude, you asked to hold me. Not the other way around. So, as I wrote in my journal yesterday, "his starting out 'comforting' me turned into another round of angry 'I still hate you' sex disguised as 'let's make it better'... So he'll end up angry at me again and we'll be right back to where we started."

So how do I get through all this? How do I get through ... not knowing when I'm going to be able to see my babies again? How do I get through not knowing how long this seemingly amicable attitude toward me is going to last? How do I get through not knowing when my screw up is going to come back to bite me in the ass?

One day at a time, I suppose.

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