Monday, September 19, 2011

Catching up my diary I never write in.

So I have an actual journal, but I hardly ever write in it. Though, in lieu of having a book to read at work, I started writing. So here's my little catch up.

So Boogie's 2nd birthday has come and gone. Everything was all peachy, love, and wonderful. And then R and I got into another of our epic battles about the fact that I want to get into the military to help support my family; but he doesn't want my help. He doesn't want anything to do with me. He doesn't want me to help with the boys. All he kept saying was that he and Weylin aren't my concern anymore. Not my responsibilit. Etc. What he doesn't understand is that I can't just stop caring for them. I can't not care for them. Then again, I suppose I haven't even been.

I pretty much resent all of them. The boys don't deserve it. I love them both. They haven't done anything wrong... I don't know who I'm trying to convince right now.

Logicaly, I know they haven't done anything, but I can't help it.

I still blame R for ruining my life. Before him, I had promise. I had a goal. I knew where I was going. Then I let myself get wrapped up in him. Completely. My life wasn't about me anymore. It was about helping him. Getting him away from his ex. Helping him deal with his family. Then the custody battle for my step son. I gave myself over to him completely.

Then college came around, but I was already pregnant with Eric. And everything became about him. Then we moved and it was all about my family. I've never had a chance to just be me. And that's all I want, damn it! I WANT TO KNOW WHO I AM!!!

...I don't know myself anymore. I'm always someone else's something. R's girlfriend/wife. Boogie's mom. Bear's mom. I'm never just AYLA. Where did I go?! Who am I in all this?!? I had chances to go off and find myself but I was always so worried about everyone else, I never gave myself a chance to find ME!

.... So who am I? Who is Ayla House? ... I never even wanted to take that fucking name. I mean, I did, but I didn't want to put it on my social. I only did that to appease R. Trying to fix our marriage. I wanted to keep my maiden name.

Everything I've done for the last ... going on 5 years now... has been for R and my family. I don't know how to focus on myself. And that may sound funny to some of you. Granted, the people that find that funny most likely aren't reading this. Regardless, there are those out there that would say I'm a little too good at focusing on myself. Maybe I am. I simply don't know anymore.

All I know at this point is that I want my son back. I feel utterly... like a character from the fucking Twilight series. That is to say, utterly devoid of any actual character or substance. I feel so utterly hollow, it's as if I shouldn't even be here. I suppose that's where the problem comes in though. That I don't feel as if I belong here. Maybe I don't. Maybe I should be somewhere else.

My grandparents have a place out in NC now. They've offered to let me stay with them. Maybe I should. Then again, it's more likely that I'd drive myself crazy trying to tolerate them. I love them to death, but they're very set in their ways. Which just so happen to be very different than mine.

But... if things aren't working here - which they obviously aren't - maybe .... maybe removing myself from it all completely would help? I don't even know... Ugh. What do you do when you know you need help, but you don't know what kind?

Maybe I should just go to Addicts Anonymous. "Hello. My name is Ayla, and I'm addicted to.... what?"

~~ So, there's that. My entire journal entry for today. I never said it'd be a lovely thing to read. It was hard to type, honestly. I feel a little better... finally admitting some of that; but it hurts, knowing it's true. Ah well. At least I'm doing it. One day at a time.

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