Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Day 205: So empty

I hate having to be honest with myself. It means having to admit that all of this hurts. That I hate how I feel. That even I feel in the first place. I am so tired of always having to be strong. Of forcing myself to push through things. When what I need, and really want, is not be okay for a while. To just allow myself to admit that it hurts, that I am weak once in a while, and that it's okay to not be okay. I don't know how to do that, though. I've always been the one saying, "I'll live." Yet true as that statement is, I don't want to just live.

I always feel so torn, because the logical part of me, the adult part of me, honestly, wants to move on. Is saying, "Girl, get over this! Come on, already!" Yet so much of me is still saying, "But what if..." What if I could fix it? What if I could do something better this time?

I'm sure everyone is sick to death of me harping on the same things over and over by now. I'm sorta sick of myself at this point. But I can't help it. I don't know how to stop feeling like I should have done something differently. I can't help searching back and trying to find exactly where it was that I screwed up so much that R felt he had to push me away. I don't jknow where it was, honestly. I know I screwed up a lot at the end, after he had already made it clear that he was no longer interested in being with me, but what could I do to have pushed him to that point?

It's even worse because I have a lot of people telling me how "great" and "wonderful" I am. I get showered with compliments every day, but I can almost never believe any of them, because it always comes back to the same thing: Than why couldn't he see that? Why doesn't he?

So I just.... I feel so empty inside now. Like a piece of me has died a little. Yet at the same time, I just feel so consumed with pain. As if I'll never feel anything else again. I feel so pathetic for all of this, too. The "strong" part of me is so furious with this side. As if I'm two different people in one body. The strong part that has already moved on and is saying a big "fuck you, sir" to R; and then the larger part, who is still so weak, and fragile, wanting so desperately just to be loved.

Then again, that's the problem, isn't it? I want to be loved, but I can never decide by whom.

I love R, and I want to be with him, or at least try to be with him again. If only for the boys' sake. Yet I also love Monkey. Which is why I broke things off with him when I realized how easily I could hurt him. Then, of course, there's Frank. Who has alway s been there for me, but never within my grasp. He's the lucky one in all of this, I think.

So what do you do when you have so much love that you so desperatly want to give someone, yet - for various reasons - can't?

Take things, as ever, One Day At A Time, I suppose...

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