Saturday, November 12, 2011

Day 63: Emotional Toll

Okay. Time for Shameless act #21. Express a strong feeling. I thought this would be a relatively funny one to do, but with all the thinking I've been doing lately, it's going to be a little serious.

I'm starting to think I should take Ms. Diandra's advice and perform an emotional separation ritual. No matter how much I try to distance myself from R, I always see or hear something that reminds me of us; or I'll think of him being with another woman (usually either the Cat or, I suppose she calls herself the "Raven") and I just get this stab of jealousy that, believe me, I wish I didn't feel. Just the thought, though, of another woman, specifically either of them touching Boogie... and the only thing I can think of is removing their hands; as well as a slew of other vicious bodily harm. Bad Karma, I know; but I can't help it.

Which brings me to #14. Hold yourself accountable — not guilty — for something crappy you did to someone else.

I have no excuse other then my youth and ignorance for some of the things I said and did to the Cat. I can't ask forgiveness, because it's my shame to carry. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing, but as I go through all of this, I realize how horribly wrong I was. For all of it. Not that I expect anything to come out of my saying this; but at least I have.


Unrelated note. Poor Boogie's got such a bad cough; but it's the same kind he had around this time last year. Had to go and get him some medicine this morning, since the stuff R brought over, is only good for kids over four. It literally says on the box, "Under 4 - Do not use". So I bought him some stuff that will work for his age. It seems to be, so far.

Ticked me off, though, that R dropped him off with no socks on. Again. It's cold. He has a cough. And you forget to put socks on his feet. Really? At least he remembered to put a jacket on Boo this time. He hasn't the past two weeks. Ugh.

But I don't want this to turn into one of those "He's a crap parent" things; because, in all honesty, he's not. R is a good father, when he isn't being an utter dousche. Sadly, though, that's been less and less often lately.

Oh well. Not a lot I can do about that, sadly. Just going to have to - as always - breathe and take things One Day At a Time.

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