Sunday, October 30, 2011

Day 50: writing at work

So, I got bored at work today and started writing; this is part of the result. It's just a letter to R, if he's even still reading this any more. If he is, it'd would most likely on be for ammunition in our divorce. So maybe this will be plenty enough for him.


I stood by when you cheated on me, even though, of course, it was "only four times". I stayed with you when you told me that not only had you cheated, oh no, you'd also been gracious enough to not wear a condom, so you were no expecting your first son. I stayed with you despite everyone - our friends, our families, our teachers - telling me that I should leave you.

I continued to love you throughout the custody issues and before them. I loved you even when I was being called every name in the book for doing so. I kept my faith in you when I had absolutely no reason to.

I believed you every time you lied to me; and even believed you when you apologized for doing so. I've lost count of the times you swore you would never do "x" again. Though, by now, I've forgotten what all those "x"s were. It seemed as if it was something else - not new - every week.

I supported you, loved you, and defended you in the months when I was pregnant and the only one of us working.

I encouraged you every step of the way and only ever asked for you to just love me and care for me as any husband should for his wife.

I am truly sorry for ever resenting you for all the times I was punished for something you did, such as your Playstation. How could I hold it against you that you wouldn't even come near me while I was giving birth to our son until after he was born? How can I blame you for leaving me to plan almost our entire wedding while I was still pregnant, so soon after the loss of our friend? I'm sorry I ever expected you to help me with anything. I'm sorry I asked you to be a man for your family.

I apologize for getting upset when your family talked trash about me, or disrespected us. I'm sorry I ever expected you to stand up for me after the Cat and her mother assaulted me; how could I not expect you to be so kind as to hug them right after that incident?

How could I ever have been so naive as to think that you should speak to me honestly about how much money you were making at work. After all, that's for only you to know, right?

Why on earth should I have hoped that you ever support me in something as inconsequential as my life long dream to join the military; especially after I was selfish enough to give up going to school so I could be with you and our family?

I'm sorry if I ever caused you any distress by being a true and loyal wife, or by ever daring to ask who it was that you were texting so late at night; even after I'd caught you lying about it. That's only natural, right? I'm also sorry that I was there to comfort you when you didn't want to go to your father's house because you were afraid he'd beat you; and at the hospital with you to help calm you and drive you home when you crushed your finger at work, those few short weeks ago.

Really, I'm sorry for thinking that after nearly four years of nothing but unlimited love, support, and patience that you would ever try to change. That you would ever see just what road you are headed down. How could I ever have thought that you would support me? How could I ever have believed that you would ever become anything than the vile, loathsome, disgusting, despicable, putrid example of spite and hate that you were raised around; and will subsequently raise our son around. Congratulations, I imagine your father must be simply ecstatic to see you've followed so closely in his footsteps. The only difference being that your blow didn't actually land. I suppose I should be grateful, at least, for that.

I'm sorry I was ever so foolish as to think that you could be my happy ending. How unforgivable rude and ungrateful of me.

Ever, as always, your dutiful and devoted wife,

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