Friday, October 28, 2011

Day 48: Restless

So, last night, I just could not sleep, so I started watching The Tudors. It's an amazing show, honestly, and serves a wonderful purpose of reminding me just how strong women are truly capable of being. Anyway, it got me to thinking, and, of course, I had to write it down, just to get it out of my head; so this is what came of it, and you'll have to forgive the tone of the thing:

Were I ever to be accused and subsequently found guilty of anything, it will be in that I love my children too greatly; for as surely as Boogie is the child of my body, so too is Bear the child of my heart. I love them both as equally as the other, and will provide my love and support to that measure. 

As quickly as any woman to call herself a mother, I would give my all if it meant the betterment of my children's lives. My life is theirs, as it should be. So I foolishly allowed myself to become convinced by the man I loved that I was no longer needed; that I was useless, worthless; that my children would be better off were I no longer to be a hindrance in their lives.

I did not "abandon" my son. I left him in the capable hands of those that I knew would love him - or so I believed at the time - better than I could. I know now how mistaken I was, and I can claim no suitable excuse for my actions save that of a mother's distress and heartbreak over the sudden loss and dissolution of something so precious as her family. Something I gave my entire being to try and preserve until I feared the loss of myself as a person.

Despite what R and a handful of others may believe, I was never unfaithful to him. I sought the company of others in the weeks leading up to our separation, but never int he physical sense. I loved R with everything that I was; and to this day, I love him the way that any woman must love the father of her child; but I have grown to love someone else even more: myself. So, although I wish with all my heart that things could have turned out differently, for the sake of our children, I also realize that until he seeks out the help he truly needs to settle the pain and anger inside of him that life had caused, there can be no hope for the love to ever return; nor, I think, should it.

The wrongs we have done to each other, ourselves, and most critically: the boys, are simply too insurmountable. Though I'd like to believe the contrary, I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him; and I can say with almost one hundred percent certainty that he will never forgive me. He's too much like his father in that way. I truly pray that we will one day find a way to make peace with the demons with which we have plagued each other, and at the very least, figure out a way to be able to communicate in a civil manner. Despite everything he's come to believe to the contrary, I am not interested in being "enemies". Nor am I naive enough to believe that we will ever again be so much as friends. I simply do not want my boys to grow up in the way that he did. I pity Bear, for he already will; unless R is fool enough - again - to return to the Cat. Though the though of that happening - again - sickens me.

I suppose that is all I can say on the matter for now. At this point, it is just a matter of taking things, as ever, one day at a time.

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