Sunday, October 30, 2011

Day 50: Perhaps a little Depressing

How do you excuse yourself for falling in love with someone? Especially when that person turns around and stabs you in the back, betrays you, and drives you absolutely mad? How do you move on from the hate? How do you clear yourself of that pain, anger, and poison that will fill your body and soul if you give it half a chance?

I am of the full belief that we should never truly hate anyone, but with everything my ex has done and continues to do, I find it gradually more difficult to stave off the emotion.

I mentioned about my son being home yesterday, and this morning, I requested that I be allowed to see my son at least once more this week; unfortunately, though, he'll have to "discuss it" with his lawyer. In other words, I probably won't be able to see Boogie. So now I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my very breast and my body torn asunder, for I cannot even fathom when next I'll see my own son.

No, I don't think I'll ever fall in love again. Honestly, I don't want to. I've been weakened - yet not defeated - by one who swore to love, protect, and strengthen me enough as it is. I will never allow myself that particular vulnerability again; and truly, I hope one day that he is able to find such a person as to bestow the same kindnesses upon him that he has been so gracious as to place upon me.

For now, I suppose, I'll just have to keep it in my head to breathe, relax, and take things one day at a time. As ever.


  1. A.
    I know it is very hard to hang in there, when you have this type of emotional drama in your life. You can go though ever emotion in a matter of a few hours, from crying to down right rage. I have been there. So I will give you the advice I was given and did not take: Hold your head up, try everything you can think of to keep your mind (heart and soul) from reacting to the stupidity of others, and whatever you do, STOP blaming and finding faults with yourself. KARMA will take care of you..she took care of me..three years of tears, begging for the cheating to stop..praying that things would get better..the emotion roller coaster from HELL..did end for me!!! On a cold, rainy day in October, Karma turned the tables for me and life started over for me and the kids, and I will NEVER again let ANYONE put me though it again. I learned a very valuable is too short for the focus on the time with Boogie that you have for now and the rest of the time you focus on you and what you want, because ultimatley a happy A. leads to a happy'll see. Sending happy and positive thoughts your way...A.W.
    I know your thinking..I wish it were that easy..but trust me, there will come a day when you look back at this time in your life and realize how far you have come and how much you stressed for nothing.

  2. If you fall in love and the person turns on you, you were not in love with the person, but with an image you had in your head of what might be.

    Do not let this discourage you. Fall in love, and as often as possible. Do not let this experience damage you permanently.