Friday, October 14, 2011

Day 34: For posterity's sake

Okay, so just so it's on record, and fresh on my memory. Here's what's happened in the past two days.

Yesterday, I agreed to meet R at Latimer Park in Horn Lake to visit with Boogie. We walked around for a little while, but then worked our way to my car where I attempted to put Boogie in his carseat. R stood in front of the door and refused to move, despite my repeated requests for him to "please move". Finally, I had to tell him that I would call local authorities if he didn't, and in response to his condescending, "They won't get involved," I simply replied that they would still make him move away from the car so Boo and I could get in. He finally moved, and we spent some time talking, but he still insisted on repeating the same useless rhetoric of how I'm an unfit mother, I need help, etc. What he refuses to believe is that I'm already getting help from a local group; but because he doesn't have a receipt, it doesn't count. So, in order to calm him down, I told him that I would allow him to pic Boogie up tonight at 1930.

However, once I got home, I started thinking, and I realized that because of everything he's done: all the broken promises, the lies, the half-truths, etc. I couldn't trust him to permanently deprive me of my visitation with Boogie if I let him retrieve custody. So, I went all around town today trying to figure out what I could do, but there's nothing really permanent that I could safely do without a lawyer. So, instead, I thought I would at least do what I could; and that's where This, comes in.

I made it as fair as I could. I pulled directly from some actual legal paperwork I found, and I tweaked it to work for our situation. It's completely unbiased. I even offered to let him discuss it with me to see if there were any parts he didn't like that we could work out a compromise on. He still refused. He instead opted to throw in my face the fact that I left with the intent to kill myself. What he still is having trouble comprehending, it seems, is that I didn't actually even so much as try. My friend and his dad talked me out of that, thankfully. He continued to throw in my face the supposed "fact" that I cheated on him, and he started spouting off all this bogus evidence he supposedly has. I'm honestly not worried about it. If there was anything to worry about, he would have utilized it already.

What scared me, though, was his response at one point, when he stated he'd say I cheated, and I told him I could prove he did too; and I quote, "Great. So he can be taken from both of us. Fine. Just so long as he's away from you." ... Really? You'd rather he lose BOTH of us? And you call me "sick"?

But despite everything he says about me... it doesn't hurt anymore. He can't hurt me anymore. I'm not going to give him that power.

What hurts is the knowledge that he isn't even willing to reach a compromise. He won't agree to anything until the court orders him to do "x"; and that scares me more than anything. It seems to me as if he's not even concerned about Boogie anymore so much as retaining as much control as possible; but that isn't going to help this situation at all.

This isn't so simple a matter of one person keeping control over the other. I just want my son to be cared for. Properly. Which is why I'm going to counseling, and I think R should. His pattern of abusive behavior is terrifying to me; and I won't have Eric around that. Not if I can help it; but I'm not going to keep them completely apart. I just don't have it in me to do that. Not after the way I grew up.

Ah well. Deep breath. Focus. And always remember to take it one day at a time.


  1. This is really sad, especially for your child. I hope things work out eventually.

  2. Stay strong and continue to document everything. I have worked with countless victims over the years and you will get through this and be able to move on.