Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Day 106: Hmm... what to say??

So, things are a little calmer now, and, to be perfectly honest, I'm actually quite content with it. Things are quieter, more peaceful, and otherwise just .... less. Which I am totally okay with. I told myself earlier this month that I wanted to make up my Christmas List; but instead of things, I wrote down what I wanted, in terms of myself. What did I expect from myself? What did I want for myself? What did I want to change and why? Since it's me, of course, I had pages upon pages of stuff; but at the end of it, I went back through, and realized that a lot of it was essentially the same thing, but only worded differently or one could stem from another.

That was when I decided to scrap that list and start over. So here it is. My entire list...


That was it. I just want to be happy. I know, it seems kind of lame, since everyone wants that in one way or another, but it's not that simple. That one word comes from me breaking down a lot of other things. Such as:

~Getting over R. For good.
~Going back to school
~Getting a better paying job
And in short, just becoming the person I know I can be. It's going to take some work, but I'm hopeful. 

What better time for all these changes except the New Year, right? 

With all of this, I realized, I almost wanted to start this blog over, but with all that you few... whoever's you are have read, that didn't seem fair. Instead, I'm just going to do this: 


Hello. My name is Ayla. I'm your typical Pisces. Moody, hypochondriac, sensitive, empathetic, sensual, sexually all over the place, etc. I'm also your typical redhead. Feisty (not short-tempered), vivacious, more than a little nutty, etc. Elementally speaking, I'm all things Water and Fire. Which, of course, leads to more than a few "WTF" moments. 

I have days where I have all the patience and kindness in the world; and then I have some where I'm completely cunt-tastic. I have days where I don't care what anyone says or thinks about me; and then there are some where a stranger looking at me wrong can have me in tears. I try to do the typical mother, nurture, heal thing to those I care about; but can just as quickly turn around and whoop the ever loving hell out of them or anyone who messes with them. 

I am a walking dichotomy. I'm everything that is a woman, but act and think more like a man (traditionally thinking). I try to put the past behind me, but oftentimes find myself dwelling in it, even when I least want to. There are days I just want to scream my lungs out at how unfair things are and how pissed off I am at how things have turned out. 

But you know the really funny part about all this? ... It's me. That's it. I'm sick of apologizing for who I am. If you can't accept me for who I am, that's on you. I'm done trying to be someone I'm not. My personality is as ever-changing and all -encompassing as ... my taste in music. I am Classical, and Swing, and Rock, and Hip-hop and just a little bit of everything! I am who I am, and every day I learn to love that more. 

I have some truly amazing friends, and I'm really beginning to realize how lucky I am to have them. My son, Boogie, is all that I could ask for when it comes to being wonderful. He lights up every day. All of them have helped through so much and have provided more laughter and happiness than anyone else ever did.

So... I guess what all this goes to say is that I am on the journey to find my Ice Cream Truck. Stick around, if you dare, and let's see where this goes. Shall we? As ever, one day at a time.


  1. Helly Ayla. ^^

    Good luck with your goals for the coming year! Don't forget that happiness is not a goal, but a project.

  2. Taht was supposed to say "hello", of course. WTF? O and Y are not even close on the keyboard... ^^

  3. And now we all know that I cannot type. ^^ Sorry!