Day 50: writing at work

So, I got bored at work today and started writing; this is part of the result. It's just a letter to R, if he's even still reading this any more. If he is, it'd would most likely on be for ammunition in our divorce. So maybe this will be plenty enough for him.

R,

I stood by when you cheated on me, even though, of course, it was "only four times". I stayed with you when you told me that not only had you cheated, oh no, you'd also been gracious enough to not wear a condom, so you were no expecting your first son. I stayed with you despite everyone - our friends, our families, our teachers - telling me that I should leave you.

I continued to love you throughout the custody issues and before them. I loved you even when I was being called every name in the book for doing so. I kept my faith in you when I had absolutely no reason to.

I believed you every time you lied to me; and even believed you when you apologized for doing so. I've lost count of the times you swore you would never do "x" again. Though, by now, I've forgotten what all those "x"s were. It seemed as if it was something else - not new - every week.

I supported you, loved you, and defended you in the months when I was pregnant and the only one of us working.

I encouraged you every step of the way and only ever asked for you to just love me and care for me as any husband should for his wife.

I am truly sorry for ever resenting you for all the times I was punished for something you did, such as your Playstation. How could I hold it against you that you wouldn't even come near me while I was giving birth to our son until after he was born? How can I blame you for leaving me to plan almost our entire wedding while I was still pregnant, so soon after the loss of our friend? I'm sorry I ever expected you to help me with anything. I'm sorry I asked you to be a man for your family.

I apologize for getting upset when your family talked trash about me, or disrespected us. I'm sorry I ever expected you to stand up for me after the Cat and her mother assaulted me; how could I not expect you to be so kind as to hug them right after that incident?

How could I ever have been so naive as to think that you should speak to me honestly about how much money you were making at work. After all, that's for only you to know, right?

Why on earth should I have hoped that you ever support me in something as inconsequential as my life long dream to join the military; especially after I was selfish enough to give up going to school so I could be with you and our family?

I'm sorry if I ever caused you any distress by being a true and loyal wife, or by ever daring to ask who it was that you were texting so late at night; even after I'd caught you lying about it. That's only natural, right? I'm also sorry that I was there to comfort you when you didn't want to go to your father's house because you were afraid he'd beat you; and at the hospital with you to help calm you and drive you home when you crushed your finger at work, those few short weeks ago.

Really, I'm sorry for thinking that after nearly four years of nothing but unlimited love, support, and patience that you would ever try to change. That you would ever see just what road you are headed down. How could I ever have thought that you would support me? How could I ever have believed that you would ever become anything than the vile, loathsome, disgusting, despicable, putrid example of spite and hate that you were raised around; and will subsequently raise our son around. Congratulations, I imagine your father must be simply ecstatic to see you've followed so closely in his footsteps. The only difference being that your blow didn't actually land. I suppose I should be grateful, at least, for that.

I'm sorry I was ever so foolish as to think that you could be my happy ending. How unforgivable rude and ungrateful of me.

Ever, as always, your dutiful and devoted wife,
A.

Day 50: Perhaps a little Depressing

How do you excuse yourself for falling in love with someone? Especially when that person turns around and stabs you in the back, betrays you, and drives you absolutely mad? How do you move on from the hate? How do you clear yourself of that pain, anger, and poison that will fill your body and soul if you give it half a chance?

I am of the full belief that we should never truly hate anyone, but with everything my ex has done and continues to do, I find it gradually more difficult to stave off the emotion.

I mentioned about my son being home yesterday, and this morning, I requested that I be allowed to see my son at least once more this week; unfortunately, though, he'll have to "discuss it" with his lawyer. In other words, I probably won't be able to see Boogie. So now I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my very breast and my body torn asunder, for I cannot even fathom when next I'll see my own son.

No, I don't think I'll ever fall in love again. Honestly, I don't want to. I've been weakened - yet not defeated - by one who swore to love, protect, and strengthen me enough as it is. I will never allow myself that particular vulnerability again; and truly, I hope one day that he is able to find such a person as to bestow the same kindnesses upon him that he has been so gracious as to place upon me.

For now, I suppose, I'll just have to keep it in my head to breathe, relax, and take things one day at a time. As ever.

Day 48: Restless

So, last night, I just could not sleep, so I started watching The Tudors. It's an amazing show, honestly, and serves a wonderful purpose of reminding me just how strong women are truly capable of being. Anyway, it got me to thinking, and, of course, I had to write it down, just to get it out of my head; so this is what came of it, and you'll have to forgive the tone of the thing:

Were I ever to be accused and subsequently found guilty of anything, it will be in that I love my children too greatly; for as surely as Boogie is the child of my body, so too is Bear the child of my heart. I love them both as equally as the other, and will provide my love and support to that measure. 

As quickly as any woman to call herself a mother, I would give my all if it meant the betterment of my children's lives. My life is theirs, as it should be. So I foolishly allowed myself to become convinced by the man I loved that I was no longer needed; that I was useless, worthless; that my children would be better off were I no longer to be a hindrance in their lives.

I did not "abandon" my son. I left him in the capable hands of those that I knew would love him - or so I believed at the time - better than I could. I know now how mistaken I was, and I can claim no suitable excuse for my actions save that of a mother's distress and heartbreak over the sudden loss and dissolution of something so precious as her family. Something I gave my entire being to try and preserve until I feared the loss of myself as a person.

Despite what R and a handful of others may believe, I was never unfaithful to him. I sought the company of others in the weeks leading up to our separation, but never int he physical sense. I loved R with everything that I was; and to this day, I love him the way that any woman must love the father of her child; but I have grown to love someone else even more: myself. So, although I wish with all my heart that things could have turned out differently, for the sake of our children, I also realize that until he seeks out the help he truly needs to settle the pain and anger inside of him that life had caused, there can be no hope for the love to ever return; nor, I think, should it.

The wrongs we have done to each other, ourselves, and most critically: the boys, are simply too insurmountable. Though I'd like to believe the contrary, I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him; and I can say with almost one hundred percent certainty that he will never forgive me. He's too much like his father in that way. I truly pray that we will one day find a way to make peace with the demons with which we have plagued each other, and at the very least, figure out a way to be able to communicate in a civil manner. Despite everything he's come to believe to the contrary, I am not interested in being "enemies". Nor am I naive enough to believe that we will ever again be so much as friends. I simply do not want my boys to grow up in the way that he did. I pity Bear, for he already will; unless R is fool enough - again - to return to the Cat. Though the though of that happening - again - sickens me.

I suppose that is all I can say on the matter for now. At this point, it is just a matter of taking things, as ever, one day at a time.

Day 46: Court

Went to court today to get the restraining order against R finalized. Sadly, his lawyer never showed up, so we literally spent all day in court, to no avail. We have to go back next Wednesday... for the same thing. Friggin' yay. The only bright point was that the judge ordered for R to bring Boogie by this Saturday. So, for the first time in almost two weeks, I'll finally get to see him. I suppose I should be grateful for the small blessing. Still...

It's definitely one of those days that I wish I were already twenty one. I could totally go for a shot of.... something.






 

I find myself further and further indebted to Monkey these days. He's been such a relief to me lately. No matter how deep a funk I get into, he always manages to pull me out of it, somehow. Last night, for example, I was pretty bad off, and he had me laughing in less than ten minutes. I've yet to figure out how he manages it.

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On the other side of things.... I was headed home from work Sunday night (technically Monday morning, since it was freaking one in the morning) and it decided to finally die on me... a mile from town. The fuel pump went out, I think; but I'm not sure. It overheated and the battery died, for sure. So, of course, I replaced the battery. Lot of good it did, considering the fact that the battery didn't help (because of aforementioned fuel pump) and before I could get someone to help me tow it home, it was stolen. Or towed by the city. I'm still not sure of which. I have to call around - again - to see if there's any chance that it wasn't processed when I called the other day. I'm not even so upset about losing the car as I am about losing Boogie's car seat.

I seriously wish I knew where my Oracle was.  I could definitely use some advice right now...

Seriously. Can I not just have one thing go right?

Thanks go to Cher for helping me remember to take it one day at a time.

Day 42 Catch up

So, it seems that once again, I'm having to catch up with everything that's happened in the past few days. Or, in this case, almost a week.

In my last post, I had Boogie; but that Sunday, I made the mistake of allowing R to come over for a visit; unfortunately, I let my guard down, and R ran off with Boogie. He literally ran out the door, and bolted to the car when he realized I was behind him. He nearly dropped poor Boogie in the process, too, which scared the mess out of me. On top of that, when I tried to stop him from putting Boo in the car, he swung at me, so naturally, I backed off. The worst part, of all that, though, was that he didn't even allow me to say goodbye or anything. Not that I'd expect him to, but still.

I'm trying to be strong through all this. I really am; but it gets harder every day that I don't see my baby. I want him home so badly!! I miss hearing his laugh, and telling him I love him. I miss holding him at night while we slept. I miss waking up with him and just getting to lay there and cuddle. I miss my baby! He needs me, and I can't even be there for him!

I finally managed to get a restraining order against R, but I'm sure he'll just use it as an excuse to keep me away from Boogie until the court orders him to do otherwise; and there's nothing I can do about it. Not without starting something that I really don't want to put Boogie through. What he's been through already is bad enough.

So now, it's just a matter of getting this divorce done and over with. Until then, all I can do is hurry up and wait. So I'm kinda forced to just take things one day at a time.

Day 34: For posterity's sake

Okay, so just so it's on record, and fresh on my memory. Here's what's happened in the past two days.

Yesterday, I agreed to meet R at Latimer Park in Horn Lake to visit with Boogie. We walked around for a little while, but then worked our way to my car where I attempted to put Boogie in his carseat. R stood in front of the door and refused to move, despite my repeated requests for him to "please move". Finally, I had to tell him that I would call local authorities if he didn't, and in response to his condescending, "They won't get involved," I simply replied that they would still make him move away from the car so Boo and I could get in. He finally moved, and we spent some time talking, but he still insisted on repeating the same useless rhetoric of how I'm an unfit mother, I need help, etc. What he refuses to believe is that I'm already getting help from a local group; but because he doesn't have a receipt, it doesn't count. So, in order to calm him down, I told him that I would allow him to pic Boogie up tonight at 1930.

However, once I got home, I started thinking, and I realized that because of everything he's done: all the broken promises, the lies, the half-truths, etc. I couldn't trust him to permanently deprive me of my visitation with Boogie if I let him retrieve custody. So, I went all around town today trying to figure out what I could do, but there's nothing really permanent that I could safely do without a lawyer. So, instead, I thought I would at least do what I could; and that's where This, comes in.

I made it as fair as I could. I pulled directly from some actual legal paperwork I found, and I tweaked it to work for our situation. It's completely unbiased. I even offered to let him discuss it with me to see if there were any parts he didn't like that we could work out a compromise on. He still refused. He instead opted to throw in my face the fact that I left with the intent to kill myself. What he still is having trouble comprehending, it seems, is that I didn't actually even so much as try. My friend and his dad talked me out of that, thankfully. He continued to throw in my face the supposed "fact" that I cheated on him, and he started spouting off all this bogus evidence he supposedly has. I'm honestly not worried about it. If there was anything to worry about, he would have utilized it already.

What scared me, though, was his response at one point, when he stated he'd say I cheated, and I told him I could prove he did too; and I quote, "Great. So he can be taken from both of us. Fine. Just so long as he's away from you." ... Really? You'd rather he lose BOTH of us? And you call me "sick"?

But despite everything he says about me... it doesn't hurt anymore. He can't hurt me anymore. I'm not going to give him that power.

What hurts is the knowledge that he isn't even willing to reach a compromise. He won't agree to anything until the court orders him to do "x"; and that scares me more than anything. It seems to me as if he's not even concerned about Boogie anymore so much as retaining as much control as possible; but that isn't going to help this situation at all.

This isn't so simple a matter of one person keeping control over the other. I just want my son to be cared for. Properly. Which is why I'm going to counseling, and I think R should. His pattern of abusive behavior is terrifying to me; and I won't have Eric around that. Not if I can help it; but I'm not going to keep them completely apart. I just don't have it in me to do that. Not after the way I grew up.

Ah well. Deep breath. Focus. And always remember to take it one day at a time.

Day 32: Resilience

Okay, So today's been so much up and down...

R decided to be a jerk. Again. Big surprise there, right? He's been making all these promises to let me see Boogie, (which, by the way, he broke his promise Sunday, so I didn't get to see the boys) and pretty much earn my right to see him overnight again; but it's like no matter how hard I try, it's still not enough. I've got two different jobs lining up, I'm in counseling, I'm at the shelter now and I'm still working out etc, so I've got the outlets for days like this where he decides to just... frustrate me all to hell. I'm getting better. Yet, for some reason, I still can't see Boogie. R continues to choose to believe that I'm only lying to him and "playing games" when he is the one constantly changing the rules and using my own son against me. I don't know what else to do.

I just feel so helpless in all of this. I'm doing what I can, and I've got several game plans in place that all depend solely on him and how he reacts; but I still wish I just had some kind of guarantee that things were going to be better. I know, I know. I just have to hold on and be strong, but would it be so much to ask for a little help now and then?

So, again for today, R gets a special little song all to himself.
Thank you, Godsmack.

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On another note. One of my ups was getting THESE:



Had a total fat kid moment over those. I know I shouldn't have, but there are some times (like any time I speak with fraggin Jerk face) that only something "deep fried and smothered in chocolate" will suffice. And the Raspberry coffee wasn't bad either. A little bitter, but not bad.

Monkey stopped by work today to cheer me up. He's one of the few people I can stand to be around anymore for any real length of time. Is that bad? Probably. I honestly don't care.

And..... Yeah. Can't think of what else to write, so... here's just a funny that makes me giggle every time I see it.

Day 28

So I didn't really feel like posting today, but since I haven't in the past few days, I figured I should at least post something. So here's today's oh-so-lovely events so far.

Went to the shelter this morning to help clean. We needed an extra body, and since somebody bailed on me, I invited R to go. He showed up shortly before we finished, so we went to lunch after to discuss visit stuff for Boogie. Then, he had the nerve to ask me to wait until he'd left with the boys (who, at the time, were home with my family so they could see them for the first time in weeks) before I went home because he had to hurry and leave. He didn't want to upset the boys by having them see me, and then have to leave so soon after.

Now, I know that probably should make sense, but I haven't seen Bear in a few weeks now, and I've seen Boogie once this week - and that did not go well. So, needless to say, I had to catch myself from slapping him when he asked that. I hate that he's like this. I hate this whole situation. I hate him!



I'm trying to be strong through all this, but it's so frigging impossible sometimes. I don't really have anyone I can talk to that really understands; and I hate "burdening" people with my shit anyway, so even those who would understand probably won't hear from me either.

But I'm fucking determined to get over this shit, over his shit, and just plain over him. Thank god for sites like this that are good for a laugh, if nothing else. It's always good to know you aren't the only jaded cunt in the world. (Yes. I said the "c-word". Not the first or last time, I assure you.) And, of course, I've got my "Fuck you" playlist I'm working on.

So, basically, I'm going to do the whole angsty thing for a while. If for no other reason than to be actually be a little selfish. Hell, I'm accused of it all the time, why not actually do it for a change, right? 

So, R. Just for today, this is just for you. 

Day 20: Outlets.

So I had a pretty decent day today. I woke up pretty early, thanks to my sis, actually went for a run like I've been meaning to, worked out (gotta keep up with these ladies), and finally made it to a local Animal Shelter to volunteer. This won't turn into a weight loss thing or a PSA monster, I promise. I'm just sharing my achievements. There are so many animals there that need to be adopted. The dogs were great. They're all really sweet and so friendly. The cats were pretty awesome too. Sadly, there are over 50 in that one shelter and I'd say about 30 of them are kittens. The poor babies just need homes so badly.

The shelter needs more volunteers, badly. The average age of the employees is, if I remember correctly, in the sixties. So I'm hoping to gather some more people to go with me.

On top of that, this shelter isn't included in any spay/neuter programs.  They don't have the money to start one, and they can't get the grant money for it until they do. Vicious cycle. So... more plans in the works. For the shelter, AND for work. Challenge. Accepted.

So I suppose, for now, I've finally found my outlets for stress and what not. Needless to say, I'm pretty excited. I get to make a difference, and simultaneously prevent the unnecessary, premature demise of a particular resident d-bag - one day at a time. ~.^

PSA WARNING!
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P.S. If you are interested in adopting from a shelter, which I highly suggest, be sure to seek out your local shelter. A vast majority of animals that end up in shelters are euthanized, often before they've had a genuine chance of life. There are multiple sites dedicated to helping our furry companions find loving homes. I happen to be a fan of www.petfinder.com and www.adoptapet.com

Also, please remember to spay and neuter your animals. That, in itself, solves a lot of problems.