Day 106: Hmm... what to say??

So, things are a little calmer now, and, to be perfectly honest, I'm actually quite content with it. Things are quieter, more peaceful, and otherwise just .... less. Which I am totally okay with. I told myself earlier this month that I wanted to make up my Christmas List; but instead of things, I wrote down what I wanted, in terms of myself. What did I expect from myself? What did I want for myself? What did I want to change and why? Since it's me, of course, I had pages upon pages of stuff; but at the end of it, I went back through, and realized that a lot of it was essentially the same thing, but only worded differently or one could stem from another.

That was when I decided to scrap that list and start over. So here it is. My entire list...

Happiness

That was it. I just want to be happy. I know, it seems kind of lame, since everyone wants that in one way or another, but it's not that simple. That one word comes from me breaking down a lot of other things. Such as:

~Getting over R. For good.

~Going back to school

~Getting a better paying job

And in short, just becoming the person I know I can be. It's going to take some work, but I'm hopeful. 

What better time for all these changes except the New Year, right? 

With all of this, I realized, I almost wanted to start this blog over, but with all that you few... whoever's you are have read, that didn't seem fair. Instead, I'm just going to do this: 

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Hello. My name is Ayla. I'm your typical Pisces. Moody, hypochondriac, sensitive, empathetic, sensual, sexually all over the place, etc. I'm also your typical redhead. Feisty (not short-tempered), vivacious, more than a little nutty, etc. Elementally speaking, I'm all things Water and Fire. Which, of course, leads to more than a few "WTF" moments. 

I have days where I have all the patience and kindness in the world; and then I have some where I'm completely cunt-tastic. I have days where I don't care what anyone says or thinks about me; and then there are some where a stranger looking at me wrong can have me in tears. I try to do the typical mother, nurture, heal thing to those I care about; but can just as quickly turn around and whoop the ever loving hell out of them or anyone who messes with them. 

I am a walking dichotomy. I'm everything that is a woman, but act and think more like a man (traditionally thinking). I try to put the past behind me, but oftentimes find myself dwelling in it, even when I least want to. There are days I just want to scream my lungs out at how unfair things are and how pissed off I am at how things have turned out. 

But you know the really funny part about all this? ... It's me. That's it. I'm sick of apologizing for who I am. If you can't accept me for who I am, that's on you. I'm done trying to be someone I'm not. My personality is as ever-changing and all -encompassing as ... my taste in music. I am Classical, and Swing, and Rock, and Hip-hop and just a little bit of everything! I am who I am, and every day I learn to love that more. 

I have some truly amazing friends, and I'm really beginning to realize how lucky I am to have them. My son, Boogie, is all that I could ask for when it comes to being wonderful. He lights up every day. All of them have helped through so much and have provided more laughter and happiness than anyone else ever did.

So... I guess what all this goes to say is that I am on the journey to find my Ice Cream Truck. Stick around, if you dare, and let's see where this goes. Shall we? As ever, one day at a time.

Day 104: Christmas Catch up

So... two weeks later -- again. What all's happened? Well...

1.) Monkey had his fight and was awesome. Here's the fight, if you're interested. It's kind of a bad edit, though; and yes... That's twenty-seven seconds. We all kinda felt bad for the other guy, because he'd only just started training; unfortunately, there were a lot of fights like that, though. A lot of the fighter's dropped out at the last minute. It was so lame; but still a great time.

2.)Work's been great. We've picked up a little bit. Thankfully. Let's hope this keeps up.

3.) Christmas so far has been great. I've had Boogie all week, which has been absolutely amazing. We've had a lot of fun; and he's loving his presents. It was so funny watching him, because he didn't even know what to do with them at first. He just kinda looked at them and had the best "WTF" face; but then he was off and going, and he's still tearing up paper. I think just because he likes the sound.

4.) Oh yeah. Had another photo shoot Sunday night. Went so well. This is one of them. >>>> The rest are a no-no for on here, but I love them. We tried to base them off of Marilyn Monroe and did the famous one of her with the red background, and I'm really proud of the results.

5.) Also, went to the Annual Christmas Party for the local "talent". That was a blast. Took a lot of great pictures there as well, but this is probably one of my favorites. You can kinda see Monkey in the back. I kept joking with him about how I looked like a naughty June Cleaver cause I had the white top/black skirt combo... with a black underbust corset. Which I am very proud to say I can finally fit into. Which leads me to...

6.) I'm FINALLY back down to the 150 range! I'm aiming for 130-ish, but I'm right on track with my weight loss plan, so I'm thrilled. Major woo-hoo for me!

Hmmm... Can't remember if I'm forgetting anything or not... SO. We're just going to go on the assumption that I remembered everything, I'm going to go tickle Boogie until he can't breathe, and otherwise just enjoy my Christmas.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!


And Happy New Year!

Day 90: Back on Track

Don't get too excited. I meant that as in, I'm getting back on track with my shameless acts. So, here's to number twenty four. Share a struggle you have yet to “just get over.” Names have been changed, for all the good it will do. Bear in mind that I wrote this at 2350 last night, so it's a little rambley-ramble.

They say that unrequited love burns the longest, the brightest, and is the last to fade. It's the desire of the unreachable. That knowledge that we can never have what we want most. It's as if we are a recovering addict from a drug that - oftentimes - we never took.


That's how it is for me. That's how I feel about Frank. As bad as it may sound. He knows, of course, but neither of us is in any position to do anything about it. Nor would we, I think. We've had so many chances. So many opportunities. Yet... yet something always holds us back. There's always been a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or distance. Timing has never worked in our favor.

I have been hopelessly love-struck by this person for - literally - years. It started when we were only kids and I was just starting to notice that boys - particularly this one - were actually rather interesting. It got worse when we were reunited in high school. I almost couldn't believe it was him at first. I hadn't seen him in almost two years, and he'd changed, a lot; but I knew it was him even though he didn't remember me. At all.

I'd follow him around like some simpering puppy, just hoping to see that smile. Even better if were directed at me. It made me nearly breathless whenever he gave me that look. But then he graduated and we seemed to move on with our individual lives. Each of us headed directly toward our own train wrecks. We'd talk on Myspace occasionally, but for the most part, we just sort of drifted away from each other. 

Until my own marriage really started collapsing.

He was the only person I really felt comfortable talking to about anything. He'd gone through his own situation, and he was familiar. He was my Frank. I could tell him anything. Which, naturally, did not sit well with R. He continued to grow increasingly jealous. I can't say as I blame him, honestly; but I just couldn't trust him the way I could Frank.

It's remained that way, since my separation from R. Frank and I have continued to talk; but it's not as "innocent" as it used to be. Without meaning to, he's hurt me - a few times. In all fairness to him, though, I've walked myself into it almost every time. I tend to set myself up for failure where he's concerned.

So I've told myself, and him, several times over that we shouldn't talk anymore. Shouldn't have anything to do with each other - especially considering current circumstances. Yet no matter how many times I say it, I can't keep to it.

No matter how hard I try to fight it, my heart still does a little skip whenever I see I've got a message from him. I still get a little breathless when I think about how I felt to be in his arms- even if it was just a hug. If something that simple, or a smile could make me feel this way - especially for so long - it has to mean something right?

... Most likely, it just means that despite my attempts at seeming to the contrary, I am still, at heart, a hopeless romantic. Emphasis on the "hopeless" bit.

Ah well. C'est la mon vie, non?

I've got so many other things to think of, though. Just have to keep reminding myself to take it a day at a time.

Day 85: Meditation

So, major yay. I found my Druid Oracle!! I keep my Plant and Animal decks together, even though I'm more familiar with my animals. I've had them much longer, so I'm more familiar with them. Anyway, it was slow at work today, so I did a Brighid's Cross Spread, which contrary to how it sounds, goes round in a circle with eight cards at and between each of the directions, and a ninth in the center, at the "heart of the matter". It's supposed to be good for gaining insight to issues of healing, and since that's been one of my biggest problems today, I figured it made the most sense. So, I put it all down in my little journal, and this is what I got. I've shortened it a good bit, for time's sake.

Asked for guidance in my divorce and in a relationship I've been considering getting into once this is all over and finished. Drew mostly animals. Fitting, since that's who I'm most accustomed to. My animals are an extension. Still getting familiar with the plants. 

• Blackbird - Guardian of the gateway
• Chamomile - Rest, Guardianship, Regeneration
•  Poppy (Rev) - Languidness, Excess, Indifference
• Ivy (Rev) - Ambivalence, Tenacity, Support
• Wolf (Rev) - I always dread this card. It was his. 
• Raven - Healing, Initiation, Protection
• Adder - Transformation, healing, life energy
• Earth Dragon - Power, potential, Riches

Still have to draw final card, but I'm almost scared to. Almost everything relates somehow to birth and death. The cycle of leaving one form for another; and I can't help but wonder if it means I actually may need this relationship I've been contemplating. 
Could it be that, in some way, getting into this would help me find myself? My "inner strength" as it were? 
If so, how? I'm not sure I'm ready for another relationship; but it seems as if that's what I'm being guided towards. Or maybe it's what I want to be guided toward? I can't deny that I wouldn't like to be in a relationship again, but am I really ready for one? Honestly? 

Last Card:

• Burdock (Rev) Outcast, scapegoating, blame

So... this comes out of nowhere, but I can see how it makes sense. If I can resolve the blaming issue, everything else might be that much easier. Question is: how? 

I know that, perhaps, I have been blaming R too much for a lot of my issues. Regardless of the fact that a good many of them come from my experience with him, it's on me to make peace with it and accept the fact that not everyone is like him. R is a breed and beast unto himself; and I'm afraid that's how he'll remain. 


Conversely, the burdock could also be pointing out that R is blaming for... Gods know what anymore. It seems, some days, as if he'd blame me if he got a hang nail. He's already accused me of so much, it's ridiculous.


Perhaps it means nothing, coming from someone who can't find her own, but I really do hope that he'll find his peace one day. That both of us will. Though, truthfully, as wretched as it may be, I also look forward to the day he gets his comeuppance. Perhaps it's that desire alone that, in its way, prevents it from happening. 


I try to never wish ill will toward anyone but R is truly a study in the phrase, "pain in the ass". Perhaps, instead, I should just be wishing more for this to reach as peaceful an end as possible. I already do, of course; but I still wish, in my darkest heart for there to be a measure of justice exacted upon him. I don't want him physically harmed, but I still want him hurt. 


Then again... he already is, isn't he? No matter how much he lies to others and himself, I can see that he's hurting. Why else would he be doing these things? Then I think on the fact that he will always be hurting. He will always be a bitter, hateful person - just like his father; and I almost pity him. He's made himself completely awful and will forever be, won't he? I suppose some people would be content in that, but I'm not... 


In all honesty.... I don't even know if I want him to hurt. Not really. I say I do, and I do, but I don't. If that makes any sense. 


I still love him. Regardless of everything. I love him; but even with that, I hate him. Rather, I hate what he's done; and I would be crazy to forgive him for it, but if he were to come to me tomorrow and were genuinely apologetic, I would do exactly that. I wouldn't take him back, mind you; but I'd be willing to forgive him if it meant that this could all just be over and I could just go on with my life. 


I'm so tired of shedding tears for him I'm tired of hoping and wishing that things will change - knowing they won't. I seem to be going in circles where he's concerned. Trust me, the irony here is anything but lost on me. 


Round and round and round I'll go. Will I stop? I'll never know.

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So yeah. That's that. I'll definitely be spending some more time meditating on this for the next few days or so. I'll very likely be picking up some chamomile tea. Maybe that will help. Sage too, if I can find some at this time of year.


Any other advice for some more focusing herbs/stones? I'm already going to be breaking out the candles.


Hell. May just be time for a full circle. Haven't cast one in a while. There's a full moon this Saturday. Could use it to cast a protection spell for Monkey too. I may not like cheating, but there's no harm in stacking the deck. ;p


In the meantime, I guess I'll just - as always - take it One Day At A Time.

Day 83: Part two. Cause I can.

So, I had a good day at work today. Got caught running a little behind, but was right there with my boss, so it was okay. Did pretty well. Which, I'm ecstatic about since we've been so slow lately.

But enough about that! It's time for the awesome!!!!

So, I got a corset from my Santa, and it was a-MAY-zing!!! I absolutely love it. I looked so smokin' hot. Just saying.


Also, I saw this clip from the Ellen Degeneres show that made me just die laughing. I could hardly breathe, watching this. Ellen's Thoughts on 'The Virgin Diaries' - The Ellen DeGeneres Show

Really. Highlight of my day. Sadly. 

.... Okay. I'm bored now. Monkey needs to hurry up and get off work; I'm craving hang-out time with the guys. ^.^

Day 83: Two weeks later.

So, it's been two weeks, to the day, since I've posted. Thanksgiving has come and gone, and it was lovely, of course. Got to spend a lot of time with Boogie. Had court for the Temporary Relief Order. I now get him either 2 or 4 days a week; because R's attorney (go figure) completely ignored both of us, actually, when we said we didn't like his idea of what would be a suitable visitation arrangement. Where we should be having equal time, R automatically gets more. Needless to say, I'm not thrilled. I'm hoping R will eventually work with me on setting up a better plan, because, as it is, this one sucks. I have Boogie on Tues, Thurs, and alternate weekends. The back and forth is not healthy for him, but - surprise, surprise - R doesn't care. He's just going to go by whatever works best for him.

The mother of the asshole should have swallowed, that's all I'm saying.

Anyway, I managed to get my answer - and the counter-claim - to his attorney; which, for those wondering, means that the divorce won't be defaulting against me - as I'm sure R was hoping/planning that it would - and I won't be losing Eric. I just have to get it filed now. I'll have to find a day here soon when I can. Oy.

Have I mentioned how much I hate not having a car?

Let's see... what else.... Oh. Christmas shopping is done now. I only bought stuff for my soldiers this year; well, and Eric, of course. Everyone else, I love you, but there's a reason I'm not asking for presents from anyone.

I'm a little worried about a friend of mine who - quite honestly - is going way overboard with the Christmas presents for a girl he's only been dating for about three months. Granted, he's only doing it because she is, but still. Between the both of them, they'll probably rack up about $2k! I mean, really? I know he's head over heels for this girl, but ... ugh. I've already told him my opinion about her being a Class A Cling-On, but he's determined. So, ah well. Best of luck to them.

In other news, Monkey has his first MMA fight coming up. That's going to be awesome to watch. I can't wait. He's really excited about it; and so am I, but I'm also really nervous. I despise violence. So I'm a little worried about how I'll react if he starts bleeding. Sad, I know, but true.

Anyway, I have to finish getting ready for that thing called a job now. Adios my lovelies.

Remember. One day at a time.