Day 236: FUBAR

Alright, my Whomevers out there. As promised, today's installment is full of "Wow!"s, "No, you didn't!"s, and "Are you shitting me?!"s.

So, by now, we all know that I'm particularly adept this special skill known as "Fucking. Shit. UP." It's a long list, so I won't go into detail of my past escapades, but I will share the latest.

As some of you may remember, R is now dating someone else. "Someone else" being my ex best friend/ maid-of-honor/ Boogie's godmother. Well, as I realized, not only were they dating - oh no - they're living together too. Rather, she was, because she left for the NAVY already; and that's where things get interesting...

Oh yeah, guys, I fucked up. Pretty royally. Even for me. ... Yep. You know where this is going.

SO. Girlfriend left on the 18th. Last Wednesday. Well, last Saturday, I took the kids out for the day, and asked R if he would like to accompany us to the  fair since I was trying to be the bigger person about his night of epic douchebaggery earlier in the week. ((Granted, I blame this also on the fact that I was running on about ... four hours of sleep in three days. Twenty hours straight of which, I'd spent at work... May have been a little slap happy.)) That night, we got the boys back to his place, put them to bed, then he and I sat down to talk and watch a movie. We stretched out, got comfortable, and I passed the hell OUT.

While I was asleep, though, I could smell his cologne, and I started dreaming that we were "home" and having a night to ourselves, so I started "seducing" my husband. Then I woke up and realized that things were still proceeding right along. Long story short, I spent the next few nights alternately fighting and sleeping with R. The fighting was mainly about what "all this" meant. I was genuinely hoping it meant that we would try again. He, however, only wanted to get his rocks off, essentially. As he put it, he "love[s] and want[s]" me, but doesn't want to be with me, because he's still "in love" with Girlfriend.

Apparently, she has "always been there" for him and is his "best friend"; which, honestly, I don't doubt; but, I'm sorry, let's just run through this real quick, shall we?

• Where was she during the custody trial for the son he had after he cheated on me? 
• Where was she when he was having problems with his parents? 
• Who gave up everything - literally - to have and raise a family with him? 
• Who is (was) still trying and willing to forgive everything in order to keep his family together? 

Yet, I'm still not enough for him, it seems. He's still "in love" with her, even though they've only been dating for a couple months now. Yep. Makes perfect sense. 

.... Bitter? Me? ... Yeah, just maybe a little.

So, needless to say, I feel like a complete friggin idiot. On the bright side, I suppose I can find solace in the fact that I can definitely say this is the last time I'm fucking up like this. .... I'm starting to see why people refer to women as the "weaker" or "fairer" sex. In this, though, I'll be stronger. I just wish it hadn't taken this for me to wake the FUCK up. 

Don't misunderstand. I don't hate him. I can't. Loving him is like breathing. I can't just not do it. However, I cannot and will not allow myself to care anymore. Not for him; and may everything that is holy help me to avoid ever falling down that path again. Not that I never want to be in love; I just don't ever want to go back to him. Not that I wish him ill will or anything, but he can go contract every STD known to man until his cock rots off for all I care. It may even do him some good. 

So for all of you out there - and I'm sure there are plenty - saying that I shouldn't have posted this, that it's private, etc., I have two words: Too bad. I want the world to know what kind of man Russell Lee House Junior is. I want people to know what he's done. That he is a lying, manipulative, unfaithful, ungrateful, dishonest, disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being. Let him face that fact. For once in his life. 

Oh, and Russell, since I know you'll read this eventually. You made me promise not to tell her, and I won't. You're more than welcome to that. Have fun. 

As for me, I'll keep on with my life. Without you. And yes, I'll enjoy. my. fucking. day. 

One Day At A Time. 

Day 215: CHANGES!!!

So, wow. Holy hell. Things are completely.... wow.

This time last week, I was stuck as a waitress for a company I hated. Not work, mind you. The other one. I was only there for about a month, but Tuesday, I had this really rude woman come in and tell me that she wasn't going to leave me a tip if she didn't have enough fries in her order. For those of you not in the know: your server does NOT control the amount of food you receive unless we choose to throw it at you which nearly happened in this case. Except that she and her friends left before I got that chance. Stupid cow. Go choke on a fry, for all I care.

Then, that same day, I had a man try to place a call in order, but I couldn't understand what he was trying to say. He was trying to spell his name, but I couldn't make out if he was saying a 'b' or a 'd'. Then, when I tried to ask him what it was he was saying, he went completely berserk on me. That was the final straw. I put in my two weeks notice that day.

Thankfully, I had a table a couple days before that had offered me a job as a bartender for  one of the "adult entertainment clubs". Hell. Yeah. So, last night was my first night of training, I have server training tonight, and then I'll be back behind the bar. Woot woot!

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In other news, as of the 18th, my divorce should be final. I'm hoping it will be. I am so ready to be rid of this. As usual, there are a lot of  "%@#$%^&*(*^&%$#@%$^&*(&%$#@#% %$%^#@%#$^&^( $#%&#& %^*)$@&%$ " inserted into all that, but I'm just going to keep my mouth shut this time... or is "fingers still...?" I just really don't feel like going into it right now.

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Let's see.... what else...? Oh yeah! My Captain comes into town today. He and I met on SG, a few months back and have kept in contact for a while. So I'm excited to finally get to meet him in person. I doubt we'll get to tonight though. Ah well. C'est La Vie.

In any case, I hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend. Remember: Pagans had it first!! ^.~


One Day At A Time.

Day 209: Crazy, crazy, crazy, and more crazy.

"How do you document real life when real life's getting more like fiction each day?" 

-RENT

Hello again, kids. So, seriously, I'm thinking of turning my life into a book one day. Or a TV Series. My life would easily fit into one it seems, sometimes. 

Wednesday night, I got completely shmammered, and got to do something I've been aching to do for a long time. Pixie, Monkey and I were all hanging out having a Chick Night (plus token Penis) with the required chocolate, booze, and chick flicks. Well, after we'd gotten sufficiently lit, Pixie decided that we should all go for a walk around the apartment complex. {{Side note: Pixie is the old friend from high school I mentioned. The one I'm currently living with.}} Unfortunately, I'm one of the not-so-uncommon types that gets more buzzed if I move around while drinking. 

So while we were out walking, we ended up at the playground near R's apartment {{ Did I fail to mention we all now live in the same complex? ... -.-' Yeeeeaaaahhhh....}} and were just joking around and laughing for a while until New Girlfriend showed up. That's when my mouth got the better of me a little bit, but I didn't actually do anything. Just ... got a little snarky.... and called her "trash". 

{{Keep in mind, I am not proud of any of this part. I'll let you know when I get the part I am proud of.}}

Well, that part blew over, of course, and we kept on doing what we had been; and then R came out of the apartment, walking, I assume, his dog; and that's when things got interesting. I don't remember a lot of it clearly, but I remember I had a good old fashioned, come-to-Jesus church sermon type discussion with Monkey and Pixie about how R didn't deserve me. I'd been a good wife to him for the most part. I'd done everything I could do for him, and he never appreciated any of it. So, basically, the light FINALLY came on upstairs. ... It gets better. 

As if that wasn't enough, R came over to try and talk to us after I called him a coward. That was when I finally got to do something I've been itching to do for years. I got in his face and made him listen to me while I completely unloaded on him about what a completely shitty asshole he is. Then, {{and this is the part I'm proud of in its twisted way}} for some reason  that I don't entirely recall, I reared back and slapped the ever-loving piss out of him. I had been wanting to do that for yeeeeaaaarrrrrssss. Literally. Years. 

Now, I am not proud that I did all this while inebriated. Believe me. However, I am proud that I actually, finally, at least did it. In its own sick way, it made me feel a lot better about things. R is still trying to say that he pushed me into it. That he was goading me on so I would. Part of me believes him, but most of me doesn't give a shit; and that is one thing that I am infinitely proud of. 

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Unfortunately, all of that combined with other events made me realize something else as well. 

I've had to almost completely cut Monkey out of my life now. I was reminded of just how far he'd fallen for me, and it scares the hell out of me. Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful man; but I can't have someone in that position for me right now. 

He's hurt, and he's pissed at me, and he should be. Hell, he was in my position that I was in with R, so it's not like I don't know how he feels; but at least his was only a puppy love. He says it isn't, but I know the difference. Been there. Done that. 

I still love him, obviously, but as I tried to tell him, he's so much further into this relationship than I am, it's only going to end up hurting him; and I won't do that to him. I can't. I care too much about him to put him through the hell I went through with R. 

So I feel like an absolute shit for it, but I figured it would just be easier on him at least if we didn't really have anything to do with each other. For a while. We haven't even known each other for a year, and he was already saying he was "in love" with me. I can't have that. I still don't even love myself yet. I will though. In time. I just need to figure out who the hell I am to love. So does he; and I have the feeling he'll figure that out a lot sooner than I will. 

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Anyway, on a lighter note, I did something else I've been meaning to do for a while as well. I finally got my belly ring. I've been wanting to do it for years, but I finally just got the nerve up to do it, literally, the other day. I'm pretty excited, and proud. Sad, right? I'm twenty-one, and all giddy about a belly ring? 

I have to admit, though, I found it pretty ironic that while I was doing some research on how to care for it, I learned that belly rings are used in some forms of Hinduism as a ritual thing. They're connected to the Third Chakra, or Manipura, and associated with the control of our inner energy and control over our emotions. I'm still doing a little more homework on this one, since I would like to actually know what the hell it is that I'm talking about for sure, but I think that's the basic gist of it. 

So, my whomever-you-are's, this is where I leave you. Have to get ready for work. I have a fun-filled day of wrestling, very little tips, and very angry rednecks ahead of me. Woo-fucking-hoo. Ah well. I'll get through it, right? 

One Day At A Time. 

Song today: Godsmack - Voodoo