Saturday, April 28, 2012

Day 236: FUBAR

Alright, my Whomevers out there. As promised, today's installment is full of "Wow!"s, "No, you didn't!"s, and "Are you shitting me?!"s.

So, by now, we all know that I'm particularly adept this special skill known as "Fucking. Shit. UP." It's a long list, so I won't go into detail of my past escapades, but I will share the latest.

As some of you may remember, R is now dating someone else. "Someone else" being my ex best friend/ maid-of-honor/ Boogie's godmother. Well, as I realized, not only were they dating - oh no - they're living together too. Rather, she was, because she left for the NAVY already; and that's where things get interesting...

Oh yeah, guys, I fucked up. Pretty royally. Even for me. ... Yep. You know where this is going.

SO. Girlfriend left on the 18th. Last Wednesday. Well, last Saturday, I took the kids out for the day, and asked R if he would like to accompany us to the  fair since I was trying to be the bigger person about his night of epic douchebaggery earlier in the week. ((Granted, I blame this also on the fact that I was running on about ... four hours of sleep in three days. Twenty hours straight of which, I'd spent at work... May have been a little slap happy.)) That night, we got the boys back to his place, put them to bed, then he and I sat down to talk and watch a movie. We stretched out, got comfortable, and I passed the hell OUT.

While I was asleep, though, I could smell his cologne, and I started dreaming that we were "home" and having a night to ourselves, so I started "seducing" my husband. Then I woke up and realized that things were still proceeding right along. Long story short, I spent the next few nights alternately fighting and sleeping with R. The fighting was mainly about what "all this" meant. I was genuinely hoping it meant that we would try again. He, however, only wanted to get his rocks off, essentially. As he put it, he "love[s] and want[s]" me, but doesn't want to be with me, because he's still "in love" with Girlfriend.

Apparently, she has "always been there" for him and is his "best friend"; which, honestly, I don't doubt; but, I'm sorry, let's just run through this real quick, shall we?

  • Where was she during the custody trial for the son he had after he cheated on me? 
  • Where was she when he was having problems with his parents? 
  • Who gave up everything - literally - to have and raise a family with him? 
  • Who is (was) still trying and willing to forgive everything in order to keep his family together? 
Yet, I'm still not enough for him, it seems. He's still "in love" with her, even though they've only been dating for a couple months now. Yep. Makes perfect sense. 

.... Bitter? Me? ... Yeah, just maybe a little.

So, needless to say, I feel like a complete friggin idiot. On the bright side, I suppose I can find solace in the fact that I can definitely say this is the last time I'm fucking up like this. .... I'm starting to see why people refer to women as the "weaker" or "fairer" sex. In this, though, I'll be stronger. I just wish it hadn't taken this for me to wake the FUCK up. 

Don't misunderstand. I don't hate him. I can't. Loving him is like breathing. I can't just not do it. However, I cannot and will not allow myself to care anymore. Not for him; and may everything that is holy help me to avoid ever falling down that path again. Not that I never want to be in love; I just don't ever want to go back to him. Not that I wish him ill will or anything, but he can go contract every STD known to man until his cock rots off for all I care. It may even do him some good. 

So for all of you out there - and I'm sure there are plenty - saying that I shouldn't have posted this, that it's private, etc., I have two words: Too bad. I want the world to know what kind of man Russell Lee House Junior is. I want people to know what he's done. That he is a lying, manipulative, unfaithful, ungrateful, dishonest, disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being. Let him face that fact. For once in his life. 

Oh, and Russell, since I know you'll read this eventually. You made me promise not to tell her, and I won't. You're more than welcome to that. Have fun. 

As for me, I'll keep on with my life. Without you. And yes, I'll enjoy. my. fucking. day. 

One Day At A Time. 

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