Day 236: FUBAR

Alright, my Whomevers out there. As promised, today's installment is full of "Wow!"s, "No, you didn't!"s, and "Are you shitting me?!"s.

So, by now, we all know that I'm particularly adept this special skill known as "Fucking. Shit. UP." It's a long list, so I won't go into detail of my past escapades, but I will share the latest.

As some of you may remember, R is now dating someone else. "Someone else" being my ex best friend/ maid-of-honor/ Boogie's godmother. Well, as I realized, not only were they dating - oh no - they're living together too. Rather, she was, because she left for the NAVY already; and that's where things get interesting...

Oh yeah, guys, I fucked up. Pretty royally. Even for me. ... Yep. You know where this is going.

SO. Girlfriend left on the 18th. Last Wednesday. Well, last Saturday, I took the kids out for the day, and asked R if he would like to accompany us to the  fair since I was trying to be the bigger person about his night of epic douchebaggery earlier in the week. ((Granted, I blame this also on the fact that I was running on about ... four hours of sleep in three days. Twenty hours straight of which, I'd spent at work... May have been a little slap happy.)) That night, we got the boys back to his place, put them to bed, then he and I sat down to talk and watch a movie. We stretched out, got comfortable, and I passed the hell OUT.

While I was asleep, though, I could smell his cologne, and I started dreaming that we were "home" and having a night to ourselves, so I started "seducing" my husband. Then I woke up and realized that things were still proceeding right along. Long story short, I spent the next few nights alternately fighting and sleeping with R. The fighting was mainly about what "all this" meant. I was genuinely hoping it meant that we would try again. He, however, only wanted to get his rocks off, essentially. As he put it, he "love[s] and want[s]" me, but doesn't want to be with me, because he's still "in love" with Girlfriend.

Apparently, she has "always been there" for him and is his "best friend"; which, honestly, I don't doubt; but, I'm sorry, let's just run through this real quick, shall we?

• Where was she during the custody trial for the son he had after he cheated on me? 
• Where was she when he was having problems with his parents? 
• Who gave up everything - literally - to have and raise a family with him? 
• Who is (was) still trying and willing to forgive everything in order to keep his family together? 

Yet, I'm still not enough for him, it seems. He's still "in love" with her, even though they've only been dating for a couple months now. Yep. Makes perfect sense. 

.... Bitter? Me? ... Yeah, just maybe a little.

So, needless to say, I feel like a complete friggin idiot. On the bright side, I suppose I can find solace in the fact that I can definitely say this is the last time I'm fucking up like this. .... I'm starting to see why people refer to women as the "weaker" or "fairer" sex. In this, though, I'll be stronger. I just wish it hadn't taken this for me to wake the FUCK up. 

Don't misunderstand. I don't hate him. I can't. Loving him is like breathing. I can't just not do it. However, I cannot and will not allow myself to care anymore. Not for him; and may everything that is holy help me to avoid ever falling down that path again. Not that I never want to be in love; I just don't ever want to go back to him. Not that I wish him ill will or anything, but he can go contract every STD known to man until his cock rots off for all I care. It may even do him some good. 

So for all of you out there - and I'm sure there are plenty - saying that I shouldn't have posted this, that it's private, etc., I have two words: Too bad. I want the world to know what kind of man Russell Lee House Junior is. I want people to know what he's done. That he is a lying, manipulative, unfaithful, ungrateful, dishonest, disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being. Let him face that fact. For once in his life. 

Oh, and Russell, since I know you'll read this eventually. You made me promise not to tell her, and I won't. You're more than welcome to that. Have fun. 

As for me, I'll keep on with my life. Without you. And yes, I'll enjoy. my. fucking. day. 

One Day At A Time. 

Day 215: CHANGES!!!

So, wow. Holy hell. Things are completely.... wow.

This time last week, I was stuck as a waitress for a company I hated. Not work, mind you. The other one. I was only there for about a month, but Tuesday, I had this really rude woman come in and tell me that she wasn't going to leave me a tip if she didn't have enough fries in her order. For those of you not in the know: your server does NOT control the amount of food you receive unless we choose to throw it at you which nearly happened in this case. Except that she and her friends left before I got that chance. Stupid cow. Go choke on a fry, for all I care.

Then, that same day, I had a man try to place a call in order, but I couldn't understand what he was trying to say. He was trying to spell his name, but I couldn't make out if he was saying a 'b' or a 'd'. Then, when I tried to ask him what it was he was saying, he went completely berserk on me. That was the final straw. I put in my two weeks notice that day.

Thankfully, I had a table a couple days before that had offered me a job as a bartender for  one of the "adult entertainment clubs". Hell. Yeah. So, last night was my first night of training, I have server training tonight, and then I'll be back behind the bar. Woot woot!

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In other news, as of the 18th, my divorce should be final. I'm hoping it will be. I am so ready to be rid of this. As usual, there are a lot of  "%@#$%^&*(*^&%$#@%$^&*(&%$#@#% %$%^#@%#$^&^( $#%&#& %^*)$@&%$ " inserted into all that, but I'm just going to keep my mouth shut this time... or is "fingers still...?" I just really don't feel like going into it right now.

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Let's see.... what else...? Oh yeah! My Captain comes into town today. He and I met on SG, a few months back and have kept in contact for a while. So I'm excited to finally get to meet him in person. I doubt we'll get to tonight though. Ah well. C'est La Vie.

In any case, I hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend. Remember: Pagans had it first!! ^.~


One Day At A Time.

Day 209: Crazy, crazy, crazy, and more crazy.

"How do you document real life when real life's getting more like fiction each day?" 

-RENT

Hello again, kids. So, seriously, I'm thinking of turning my life into a book one day. Or a TV Series. My life would easily fit into one it seems, sometimes. 

Wednesday night, I got completely shmammered, and got to do something I've been aching to do for a long time. Pixie, Monkey and I were all hanging out having a Chick Night (plus token Penis) with the required chocolate, booze, and chick flicks. Well, after we'd gotten sufficiently lit, Pixie decided that we should all go for a walk around the apartment complex. {{Side note: Pixie is the old friend from high school I mentioned. The one I'm currently living with.}} Unfortunately, I'm one of the not-so-uncommon types that gets more buzzed if I move around while drinking. 

So while we were out walking, we ended up at the playground near R's apartment {{ Did I fail to mention we all now live in the same complex? ... -.-' Yeeeeaaaahhhh....}} and were just joking around and laughing for a while until New Girlfriend showed up. That's when my mouth got the better of me a little bit, but I didn't actually do anything. Just ... got a little snarky.... and called her "trash". 

{{Keep in mind, I am not proud of any of this part. I'll let you know when I get the part I am proud of.}}

Well, that part blew over, of course, and we kept on doing what we had been; and then R came out of the apartment, walking, I assume, his dog; and that's when things got interesting. I don't remember a lot of it clearly, but I remember I had a good old fashioned, come-to-Jesus church sermon type discussion with Monkey and Pixie about how R didn't deserve me. I'd been a good wife to him for the most part. I'd done everything I could do for him, and he never appreciated any of it. So, basically, the light FINALLY came on upstairs. ... It gets better. 

As if that wasn't enough, R came over to try and talk to us after I called him a coward. That was when I finally got to do something I've been itching to do for years. I got in his face and made him listen to me while I completely unloaded on him about what a completely shitty asshole he is. Then, {{and this is the part I'm proud of in its twisted way}} for some reason  that I don't entirely recall, I reared back and slapped the ever-loving piss out of him. I had been wanting to do that for yeeeeaaaarrrrrssss. Literally. Years. 

Now, I am not proud that I did all this while inebriated. Believe me. However, I am proud that I actually, finally, at least did it. In its own sick way, it made me feel a lot better about things. R is still trying to say that he pushed me into it. That he was goading me on so I would. Part of me believes him, but most of me doesn't give a shit; and that is one thing that I am infinitely proud of. 

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Unfortunately, all of that combined with other events made me realize something else as well. 

I've had to almost completely cut Monkey out of my life now. I was reminded of just how far he'd fallen for me, and it scares the hell out of me. Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful man; but I can't have someone in that position for me right now. 

He's hurt, and he's pissed at me, and he should be. Hell, he was in my position that I was in with R, so it's not like I don't know how he feels; but at least his was only a puppy love. He says it isn't, but I know the difference. Been there. Done that. 

I still love him, obviously, but as I tried to tell him, he's so much further into this relationship than I am, it's only going to end up hurting him; and I won't do that to him. I can't. I care too much about him to put him through the hell I went through with R. 

So I feel like an absolute shit for it, but I figured it would just be easier on him at least if we didn't really have anything to do with each other. For a while. We haven't even known each other for a year, and he was already saying he was "in love" with me. I can't have that. I still don't even love myself yet. I will though. In time. I just need to figure out who the hell I am to love. So does he; and I have the feeling he'll figure that out a lot sooner than I will. 

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Anyway, on a lighter note, I did something else I've been meaning to do for a while as well. I finally got my belly ring. I've been wanting to do it for years, but I finally just got the nerve up to do it, literally, the other day. I'm pretty excited, and proud. Sad, right? I'm twenty-one, and all giddy about a belly ring? 

I have to admit, though, I found it pretty ironic that while I was doing some research on how to care for it, I learned that belly rings are used in some forms of Hinduism as a ritual thing. They're connected to the Third Chakra, or Manipura, and associated with the control of our inner energy and control over our emotions. I'm still doing a little more homework on this one, since I would like to actually know what the hell it is that I'm talking about for sure, but I think that's the basic gist of it. 

So, my whomever-you-are's, this is where I leave you. Have to get ready for work. I have a fun-filled day of wrestling, very little tips, and very angry rednecks ahead of me. Woo-fucking-hoo. Ah well. I'll get through it, right? 

One Day At A Time. 

Song today: Godsmack - Voodoo

Day 205: So empty

I hate having to be honest with myself. It means having to admit that all of this hurts. That I hate how I feel. That even I feel in the first place. I am so tired of always having to be strong. Of forcing myself to push through things. When what I need, and really want, is not be okay for a while. To just allow myself to admit that it hurts, that I am weak once in a while, and that it's okay to not be okay. I don't know how to do that, though. I've always been the one saying, "I'll live." Yet true as that statement is, I don't want to just live.

I always feel so torn, because the logical part of me, the adult part of me, honestly, wants to move on. Is saying, "Girl, get over this! Come on, already!" Yet so much of me is still saying, "But what if..." What if I could fix it? What if I could do something better this time?

I'm sure everyone is sick to death of me harping on the same things over and over by now. I'm sorta sick of myself at this point. But I can't help it. I don't know how to stop feeling like I should have done something differently. I can't help searching back and trying to find exactly where it was that I screwed up so much that R felt he had to push me away. I don't jknow where it was, honestly. I know I screwed up a lot at the end, after he had already made it clear that he was no longer interested in being with me, but what could I do to have pushed him to that point?

It's even worse because I have a lot of people telling me how "great" and "wonderful" I am. I get showered with compliments every day, but I can almost never believe any of them, because it always comes back to the same thing: Than why couldn't he see that? Why doesn't he?

So I just.... I feel so empty inside now. Like a piece of me has died a little. Yet at the same time, I just feel so consumed with pain. As if I'll never feel anything else again. I feel so pathetic for all of this, too. The "strong" part of me is so furious with this side. As if I'm two different people in one body. The strong part that has already moved on and is saying a big "fuck you, sir" to R; and then the larger part, who is still so weak, and fragile, wanting so desperately just to be loved.

Then again, that's the problem, isn't it? I want to be loved, but I can never decide by whom.

I love R, and I want to be with him, or at least try to be with him again. If only for the boys' sake. Yet I also love Monkey. Which is why I broke things off with him when I realized how easily I could hurt him. Then, of course, there's Frank. Who has alway s been there for me, but never within my grasp. He's the lucky one in all of this, I think.

So what do you do when you have so much love that you so desperatly want to give someone, yet - for various reasons - can't?

Take things, as ever, One Day At A Time, I suppose...

Day 201: Hello again, minions.

So.... crap. It's been well over a month.... again. I really do suck at this. Granted, it's been a very busy month.


Highlights, you ask? Sure.

• I turned 21 on the 23rd. That was kinda cool. I can now, legally, become an alcoholic, which I'm kind of afraid of, honestly, but so far have avoided. 
• I found out that one of my friends from high school who I hadn't seen in over a year, was finally back in town, which tickled me pink. I was so glad to find out about that. Especially considering...
• Monkey and I got kicked out of our place with his friends. Rather, I got kicked out, and he came along. They were getting involved in a lot of things that I don't agree with, so it was only a matter of time anyway,  but still. 
• So, now I live with aforementioned friend and I broke things off with Monkey because....
• I found out that R is now seeing my ex best friend from High school. The one I've mentioned before. I knew it was only a matter of time, but still, there's a part of me that just wants to slap both of them. 

It wouldn't have been so bad, necessarily, if it weren't for the simple fact that I've been considering trying again with R. For  a good while. We owe it to the kids to try again. Well, unfortunately, before I could talk to him about it, I realized what was going on. So I tried to be smart and not say anything, but I just couldn't. So I stupidly told him how I felt, only to be told that he's now "happy and in love" with her and wants "nothing more to do with [me]". 

You'd think I'd have learned, right? After all, I spent months talking about how "over him" I was. How "happy" I was. Yada yada yada bullshit. I'm just mad at myself that it took this for me to realize just how not over things I am. I've been lying to myself for the longest simply because I wanted it to be that way. Desperately. That's not how it works. 

I'm not over R. Not by a long shot. I am still pathetically in love with my husband. I still want to be in love with him. I want to try and make my family work. I want my home to work. I just want to feel like I can come home to something again. Even at our worst, I knew I could come home to my family and the people I love. Yet he doesn't want to try. He's "put too much money into this divorce" to even consider trying again. 

What hurts the most, honestly, is that one of the biggest reasons we separated was because he wouldn't support my dream of joining the military. I just wanted to be able to help care for my family, but he wouldn't agree to let me go because he "couldn't trust" me. Well, Girlfriend leaves on April 18th for the NAVY. Go fucking figure; and he's okay with it because he can "actually trust her". Just one more reason for me to beat the living crap out of both of them. 

So, unfortunately, I slipped into "Cunt-mode" and said and did a lot of really nasty, ugly things. To both of them. Granted, I still think she's tacky for getting into things, considering our history with her, and it infuriates me that he's so quickly "in love" with someone else, but it's not my place to tell him what he can and can't do. I'll let him screw this one up all on his own. I outwardly - and mostly inwardly - hope he doesn't, but the part of me that knows him, knows he will, and is sorta banking on it. 

I feel like an absolute shit for that, but it's the truth, and I can't/won't apologize for how I feel. 

Everyone keeps asking me, "Why? Why do you even want to try again? After everything this asshole has done, why bother?" Well, because, at the end of the day, he is still my husband and still the father of my children; and I still love him. If only for that fact alone. 

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Now, here I am trying to get myself together - again. Unfortunately, I already know that's not going to happen if I stay here. I'm a waitress for a living, with no real job or life experience. Not exactly the best combination for taking care of a toddler. 

So, once this divorce is final, which should be within the next month or so, I'll be signing up for the Air Force and getting the hell out of Dodge. I can't stay here and watch Numbnuts replace me. Especially when there's nothing here for me to do. The only thing left for me here is Boogie, and he's honestly better off with his dad right now, considering my present situation. So.... there's that. I'm not thrilled about it in the least, but I just have to do what I have to do, I guess. 

One Day At A Time. 

Day 157: Clearance chocolate

So, I was going to post this yesterday, but I got really sick before I could. I started off okay, but around noon or so, I started feeling pretty rough; and it just went downhill from there. My stomach was hurting too badly for me to eat anything, so my sugar dropped- a LOT - which didn't help when the fever came on. So I ended up literally passing out. I don't really know how long I was out. Just that when I woke up, Monkey was force-feeding me crackers, chocolate, and gatorade.

Apparently, I was running around 103.6 (found this out later) when he got home, so he made me take some children's Triaminic (I'm hyper sensitive to meds) which brought the worst of it down, but it all came back later that night.

Thankfully, though, I'm a little better today. The fever's gone at least. I still feel really drained, though. Which sucks, cause Boogie's home; but he's been my big helper today. Playing quietly and checking on me now and then. "You okay mommy?" I have the coolest kid ever.

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Anyway, to get to the theme for today. As we all know, Valentines was earlier this week. One word: yuk. I never have been and never will be a fan of Valentine's day. I think it's overrated and nothing more than another Hallmark holiday. The only thing I look forward to is the chocolate that goes on clearance the day after. I was surprised to find out that a couple of my friends were into it; but luckily, the one person it applied to hates it as much as I do. So while it's nice and all to do something sweet and lovely for your valentine, I think it's better to show them everyday how much they mean to you, instead of just one.

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In other news: I had an audition for one of the local Burlesque troupes Monday. I couldn't get my costume ready in time to do a dance, so I opted to just sing instead. I did my face up all nice and pretty :

  

As well as my hair! I even had a cute little outfit on, but I didn't get any pictures of that, unfortunately. I thought I did a pretty crap job of it because I let my nerves get the best of me. I was way too quiet and I almost fell off of my shoes. So I'd pretty much resigned myself to trying again next time...

Then, while I was at work Tuesday morning, I got the message that they actually wanted me to perform with them!! I was so excited, I started squealing like a toddler and scared the hell out of my boss and our supplier rep. It was kind of funny, honestly. They were looking at me like I was completely mad.

So, we start rehearsals for the show on Monday, and I can't wait! I'm still really nervous, in all honesty, but I'm really looking forward to it. This is going to be awesome!

As always, though. I've got to remember to not get ahead of myself, breathe, and take things One Day at a Time.

Day 152: Bitch, please.

So.... I normally try to be a kind person. I don't really enjoy being mean. I prefer to just be the laid back, cool, relaxed chick. ...

However! Once in a blue moon (as in, once a month or so) I hit full on bitch mode. Which, honestly, wouldn't be so bad if I were just a bitch; but no. I become uber-bitch. Just completely cunt-tastic. My patience with stupidity is nil. So, naturally, it just has to come around.

Last night, I received a message on FB from the Raven (the chick R rebounded with; long story. I'll explain later). So....

So this is everything that's happened so far:

Raven:    Kinda weird to be messaging you considering everything that's happened. But have recently been told you were wondering how I was doing?

Me:     Um... not...really.... Haven't given you much thought to be honest. I've got other stuff on my mind.Though, for the record, you look just like [The Cat] in your profile pic.

Raven:     I thought so. When I was told that I thought it was a little weird and wanted to ask. And I understand. What woman doesn't have alot on their mind. lol. And come on you know I'm prettier than [the Cat], I don't look too much like her fat ass other than hair color. Plus I'm not psycho like her.

Me:     That-all of it- could be up for debate. Personally, I'd put you two on relatively equal ground. [R]seemed to.
If I gave a shit about you, you'd know. As it is, I don't.

Raven:     Well I was just curious, and wanted to ask about it. It was just random, and out of the blue. And he kinda put all three of us on equal ground, considering everything that has happened. Though that is now the past and I am not going to be affected by it any longer. I only pray that he and the boys find happiness one day.

Me:     Spare the lines. I'm not interested in hearing it.
As it is, neither you nor Cat-bitch will ever compare to me, that's why you were the rebounds.
I noticed you changed your picture. Gee, I wonder why.

Like I said. When bitch mode comes out, it is OUT. As I've been told before, and I'm sure will be told again, "Ginger bitch don't play." Was I too mean? Probably. Do I care? Not remotely. I only have so much patience with a person, and she exhausted it a long time ago; but that's a story for another day.

It's not even as if it's a bad day, though. I've actually had a pretty good morning. I'm just... Gr. I'm on my period and I don't have a lot of patience for stupidity on a normal day; so when I'm like this, it's just that much worse. I just want to look at someone and do the whole, "Come at me, bitch," thing. Immature? Probably. Stupid? Definitely. Worth it? More than likely.

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In other news, I've got a job interview Tuesday afternoon. Yay!

I've got my audition Monday night. I've decided I'm going to do two pieces. I'm going to sing and dance. The surprise will be the show. I'm keeping the rest of it hush, hush for now. I'm really excited about it, though. I can't wait.

Let's see.... anything else of note? .... Ah.

Trying to introduce Monkey to some of the old classic films. We started watching Gentlemen Prefer Blondes the other night, but we never finished it. We were supposed to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's last night, but there was a lot going on, so.... it didn't get seen either.

So, I'm still working on it with him, but.... we'll see.

I can't wait to get Boogie this Sunday. I'm trying to see about getting him into a day care, but I need his social, which I don't have and his birth certificate is going to take forever to get here. Gotta love freaking Mississippi. I've literally sent off for his birth certificate no less than three times, and still have yet to get it. This is the last time I mail off for it before I call down and get Bitchy. So... Fingers crossed.

In the meantime, as always, I'll just go One Day At A Time.